The beauty about Dialectical Behavioural Therapy is you begin to understand the fundamentals of your own behaviours and feelings, and slowly work through ways to be able to manage your own emotions when you are trigger and when crisis presents itself. All though I wasn't able to apply my skills when I was triggered the Thursday I was suicidal, I was lucky enough to be able to analysis where I wasn't managing, and look at the moments of distress tolerance and what to do next time I am put in the position I was put in.
The thing with BPD crisis is we are not aware of the main emotion driving us until afterwards. So for example, on this chart towards the right hand corner you can see my emotions I was feeling when I was distressed. I started to feel angry, fear and tense when I was put in the same position again. I was re traumatised and taken back to my past where I was feeling my most vulnerable. Due to not wanting to sit with those feelings of distress again, I withdrew from my surroundings and isolated myself. Another feeling that was driving me to isolation was feeling ashamed that I would have to reach out for help when I was triggered.
I wanted to share this to show everyone the complexity of the BPD mind and how we experience all these intensified emotions which can spiral into a cycle. The red writing on the chart show the times I should of used phone coaching and where I was experiencing past pain. Then the present is where the present feelings were present. As you can see by the chart, it wasn't as simple as being able to apply the skills needed or pick up the phone to call my psych at the time. I was driven by a lot of fear, which is valid considering everything I have gone through.
I think the best thing people can do to understand the way people with mental illness behave is understanding the persons experience and background, and actually LISTENING to them attentively. I feel people really get lost in moments which can really sabotage important relationships. I know when I develop a close connection with someone, I do not share my past trauma to excuse my behaviours when I become triggered. I share my experience with people to develop understanding and connection. I am still trying to master the technique of sitting with my emotions in the present, as I dissociate as I dont want to feel past trauma anymore than I already do. I am proud to know my individual therapist said today I am excelling in the program. I am lucky to have a professional who validates me and understands why I am shaped the way I am, and why I feel the way I feel.