Sunday, 9 April 2017

The Human Condition



I think a question everyone will ask themselves from time to time is this, is there a such thing as a fundamentally 'good' or fundamentally 'bad' person? Also, if we view them as bad, how is it up to us to make judgement of that?  Especially if we are labelling this person as 'bad', and have not met them, but just have heard of them through mutual friends. Here is what I have learnt about the human condition and my views on 'good' and 'bad'. 

In my time living through my illness, I have met some pretty awful people who have done some pretty unforgivable things. Through mindfulness and therapy we are taught to not to hold on to resentment or anger as it usually impacts us more than the person who has betrayed us. Believe me, I see the best in people who my friends have viewed as fundamentally bad people. I have learnt from those experiences that if people repeat the hurtful behaviours towards you, they just dont care enough. 

I have been put through the ringer when it comes to being with people who have the complete opposite morals and values I hold dearly to me. I have been lied to, betrayed, belittled and ridiculed to the point it drove me to wanting to end my life. I already have that ideation, but trying to see the best in these people when clearly, their behaviours told me otherwise, was costly. 

Society teaches you to 'let go' of hurtful people who continually drive you to breaking point. If you dont let go of the hurt, you are the one with the issues. You are the one who is viewed as not moving on, not over it and the one with the problem. Then you reach a point of forgiveness while they have walked away disregarding all their repetitive behaviours. No apologies, no remorse. Yet still, the person who reaches a forgiving stage and the one for reacting out of care, is viewed in a negative light. 

"Our behaviour is a function of our decisions, not our conditions" is a quote used by Stephen R.Covey. If only it was that black and white. Mental illnesses is a condition and sickness of the brain. All those behaviours displayed when mentally ill are not choices or decisions. There are people out there how ever, who dont fall under the category to be diagnosed with a mental illness,  who do display repetitive behaviours of hurtful actions. Does this make them fundamentally bad? 

I know my behaviours may have hurt people in the past. Even when I have been mentally well, I know some behaviours in moments have hurt people. I reflect on my behaviours and I try to make amends. I am well aware of my flaws and accept them, which always works in my favour of being a fundamentally 'good' person. I dont make excuses if I do fuck up. I apologise straight away and ask how I can help the other person going forward. That is a reflection of caring. I think ignoring the continual hurtful behaviours you project onto others can make you lean more to the 'I dont care enough' spectrum. 

I dont believe people are fundamentally 'bad', but are conditioned by a lot of factors such as environmental, psychological and socially. When someone disappoints you, that can explain the resentment side of everything. You aren't holding onto hate. Its just the person you thought cared about you didn't care as much as you did. The error there is the persons priorities weren't the ones you thought. They were priority, so they got lazy when it came to considering your feelings at the time. 

When someone betrays you, cheats on you or abandons you, it means that they didn't care enough about you to do anything other then those negative things. There was some other option of more importance then how you were feeling. In saying that, if someone keeps repeating their behaviours then they dont care much about anything really. So the best option is to remove them from your life, especially if you have a heart as big as mine. 

What I have learnt is if you are constantly prioritizing someone and it isn't being reciprocated, you aren't at fault. A lot of life is about attempting compromise so everyone involved is taken into account. You were let down by someone who's values dont match yours, and maybe their priorities lie else where. Its easy to walk away knowing you were genuine the whole time through what ever experience you had with this person. 

I am a firm believer in people not being wholly 'bad', but being insecure and projecting their insecurities which results in repetitive and hurtful actions. When someone hurts you, its a reflection of them, not of you. 

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