Thursday, 27 April 2017

No, My Psychotic Episode Wasn't A Choice In Behaviour

I was walking home from visiting the shops today to buy some milk. I tend to wander up the street in deep thoughts about my past episodes of psychosis. With my episode, the dissociation makes me lose memory in the episode, then the memory will come back to me in clear imagery. The imagery I longed for when I was experiencing it. Not the memory coming back where its too late to change anything or take control of my mind. 
Psychosis is a very complex and abnormal frame of mind where you will experience a loss of reality. People who are experiencing psychosis can have a complete character change and their thought patterns go from rational to irrational. Depending on how heightened the episode is, your behaviours can become so erratic you may experience things such as hallucinations,  delusions and catatonia. My most recent episode I was experiencing all three. 
I was walking up the pavement towards my house when a certain memory from my previous episode surfaced. You were sitting on my bed while I was adamant you should stay with me the night. We weren’t seeing each other anymore, but I really just wanted to feel safe. I wanted someone to be brave for me because in that moment in time I couldn’t be brave. I needed someone to hold up my fort because in that afternoon my mind had gone from rational reality to a living nightmare. Its like I completely had stepped out of my head, looked back and said ‘I am just going for a wander, but I will be back once I deal with these black ghosts floating beside me’. 
It took me  a while to gather what had happened when I went wandering from my mind with these ghosts. You refused to speak to me, which I understand. You said boundaries were crossed, even though you reassured me if you ever saw my illness come to life, that you could differ between who I am and what I suffer from. It still hurts to know after all this time and me trying to make amends, you never came forward and showed that you did understand or wanted to understand. Or a more assertive approach, that you could forgive me for the experience I had. 
For so long I had racked my mind to figure out what I did that was wrong. To me, mental illness is just like every other illness. But I forget that we live in a society who is still not quite there. I thought with you having knowledge in the field and suffering yourself, that I would have had some compassion and been approached lightly after ending up in hospital from suicide attempt. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case. I am lucky enough to have the support around me who do understand. But then you have the few that you put all your time and energy into, and as soon as you slip up mentally, you are left behind and no one dares looks over there shoulder thinking that they made the wrong choice in leaving you behind. Its not even the leaving behind that gets us the most, its the abandonment in times of distress. Times when you need someone to be there the most. That isn’t relying on someone to fix your problems for you. That is wanting someone to make you feel safe when you feel like your life is in danger. 
I never asked you to be my fixer, support worker or anything of that nature. I never asked you to do much at all. I grovelled at your feet for an understanding, while you looked down on me and frowned at me because you think my mental illness episodes are ‘choices’ I choose to make. I want you to know, if someone offered you water or poison to drink, which one would you choose? Its like you think I had the option of water and enjoyed drinking the poison for my own pleasure and gain. That is where you fail to see it for what it really is, a complete loss of reality. 
My memory has come back and this is something I refuse to do, apologise for the following: hallucinating, being in a deluded state, running away from my house during my deluded episode, crying in fits of despair because I was so scared, for saying goodbye because I believed I was about to lose my life that night and most importantly, I will never, ever apologise for being sick. I will be accountable and I will never blame you. I showed you I was accountable by seeking help and making sure I got back up on the rope after I lost balance time and time again. But I will never, ever say sorry to you for something I didn’t choose to experience and for suffering from a debilitating mental illness. 

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