Saturday, 22 April 2017

An Open Letter To Everyone Who Left Me To Drown

In this life, you are the captain of your own ship. You are probably wondering what I mean by saying this. No one should have to dictate your chosen path you sail your own sea. You are the only one at the end of the day who can sail your seven seas and the storms that come with it. You can have a crew of really good members who can help you along the way to stay on course incase the storm tries to sink you under. So to the crew who came onto my ship and who were making me sink instead of staying a float, I want you to read this. 

People seem to choose to turn their back on you when you try to express your pain. I was sailing my ship and before you guys jumped on board, I gave you a pre warning about the storms on the horizon when it came to being close to me. I have fought the biggest storms, storms that nearly killed me a handful of times. But no matter how much you see me sink, you still seem to think I am 'putting it on', or 'manipulating' you to stay on board. What you dont seem to realise is the people I choose to let on board are the ones who keep me grounded and level headed when I feel the storm of emotions a head about to drown me. I am sorry for the screams of help I sent your way when I felt them coming. I am sorry you couldn't see it for what it really is. 

Its the fact when I got hit by these waves, you wouldn't even stick around to throw me a life jacket when I really was starting to go under. You would tell me only I could save me, even though you were on board reassuring me you cared for me. You never saw me washed on to shore, a drip up my nose and being frantically in my own head because I was more concerned if you got hurt then my own safety. Then it came back to the times I happily chucked you life jackets when you were under water. But when it was me, the water seemed to be too deep. You were going under with me and you wanted out.

You loved my ship when it was shiny and new. When it was glowing in the setting suns. But when the rain clouds came and started pouring, you didn't like being wet. You felt like you were trapped in a dark sinking ship. You felt like I was dragging you down with me. I get it. Its hard when the captain of the ship is usually the most resilient. Logic! Logic you tell me when I ask to work through the obstacles that came with coming on to my ship. There are so many times I stand on the wooden plank, hands tied behind my back and ready to jump. But as soon as I express that to you, you dont believe me. You dont see how hard it is to steer this ship. How many times I run out of fuel because I pumped it into you. Or how the flag that stands up right to make me steer a stable course becomes worn when I remember the pirates came and held a knife to my throat. At the end of the day you are the only one who is feeling the way you feel. Each time hurt is projected it bruises me to the very core of my soul. All I wanted to do was keep you safe on this worn down ship of mine. But you wanted a bigger, shiner and better ship. One with lots of gold and one that wont drag you through the biggest emotional storms you have ever witnessed.

Before you, three women came into my life and travelled on my ship. Some in awe of me for a few months, but then the bags under their eyes would form massive black rings because they didn't understand how much I just wanted them to reach out and take the steering wheel and steer for me. Some would spit at me as I laid bloody on the wooden deck, my wrists bleeding out. "You just want attention!" they would cry when I hid away in the bottom cabin of the ship, wanting it to sink. The first one walked off the ship. I clung on to the land and anchored there for a while until my stability came back. The second one enjoyed her red wine out of a stirling silver cup. She would kiss my lips, intoxicated and slur words of 'I love you', only to leave me with a black eye when she would hit me to the floor. She hopped off and said she hoped we met again. I didn't want her coming back because I nearly drowned for good.

The third one stole my heart. She was the one who had the most power. She would suck me in with her blue eyes and her warm charm. She would feed me words while I was trying to see which sea I would sail. She would keep me warm in the cold misty nights at sea. But as soon as she came to close she would throw me in the water and keep me at a distance to see if I would swim back. She would laugh with her cabin crew greedily as she saw me crawl on my knees back to her. Then she would take me back with open arms as soon as I was my healthy, determined self. But as soon as I was sea sick, she would chuck me back into the ocean again and watch to see if I wouldn't come back up for air.

After she was off my ship I decided something needed to be done. I couldn't try sail the seven seas like this as it nearly cost me my own life. I met one leader who came on board for three months. She had life skills and taught me to take control of my own life, even though I was plagued by a deadly illness. She taught me which way to steer when these women would come on board. She built me up when I was torn apart by people I gave my whole heart and soul to. I put my heart into everything I do with compassion. It drives me to want to reach that end course. I know it comes with dangers, but how would I learn if I just steered in open, calm waters not crossing these things that wanted to watch me fail?

I stopped sailing my ship for a while. I moved back to land to rest after two of my crew had passed away. The third women had broken my heart. It was sore and bruised. I was grief stricken but I was working through it all. At a pace where I knew I didn't have to rush. You shouldn't have to rush when you are putting yourself back together.

I met you at the time I was building up my confidence to go back on the ship. I had a course set out, I just had a lot of extra hard work to get there. I was determined, even though the same obstacles were still present. I cried on the deck and you entered the ship. I warned you of the storm as soon as your green eyes and contagious laugh were coming on the ride. You played it all smooth sailing and I thought to myself that you were someone I could trust on this new path I was going down.

You stayed on board for a month. I didn't really need comforting as I had learnt to calm my emotions when the storms arose. There would be a few days you would swim in shore for work and other things in your life. I felt safe on the ship by myself. I felt safe in knowing I thought I found someone I could trust and care for me if I did get sea sick again. I didn't know the chaos ahead.

You warned me of the damage you came with. I just smiled as I didn't see you damaged. I saw you standing strong. Your mind was so big and I loved the way you over think everything. Your intelligence was beyond your years. I forgot you weren't quite there yet. I forgot what it felt like to be similar to you when I was younger.

You started to want to come on board, but each time it felt like a longer journey on sea you took a step back. I took that as a form of rejection. I thought I built this ship back up so well, and it felt like it was slowly getting torn down again. I dont believe it was your intention to damage my ship. I dont believe you meant to send me into the deep again. I guess you didn't know the fragility of the boat before you came on.

You abandoned the ship. Even though you told me you viewed it as a strong, rational and safe ship, you still didn't want to be on. You wanted to jump from one ship to the next to see if anyone suited your journey of self destruction. I wanted to keep you dry in the storm but you pushed me away. You pushed me over board when you said you couldn't see me again.

The day before I drowned, all I remember is a dark cloud above my head. I had mistaken my sailing for drowning. I was going under. I didn't feel it this time though. It didn't feel like last time when the blue eyed girl left. This one hurt. This one hurt because for once I felt safe. I was reassured I was different and special to you, even though you had been on many ships before. I think that was the most cruelest thing of it, because in the end you didn't treat me like a home. It was more of a vacation.

I had no control of the future of the trip you were on with me. I just wanted you on board to give it a go. I thought you liked me enough and valued me enough to try sail this ship together. But I know your type now. I was an escape to what ever storm you were running from. I sheltered you for a bit until you took my umbrella and I asked why you wouldn't do the same for me. You said your storm wasn't as bad as mine. I know the only difference of our storms is you run from yours when it gets over bearing. When mine comes, I stand in front and head on. Sometimes it gets the better of me and it can be costly. But I still show up each time, no matter how wounded, staring at it in the face. I cant imagine how exhausted you must be from running from it.

So you stood watching me one night sink into a dark despair of emotions. The storm was there but you didn't want to be there. Another person who didn't want to chuck me a life jacket even though they told me they cared. Another person who said I blamed them for my ship sinking. I dont blame you. But you do come on board and mess things up a bit for me when all I did was keep you sheltered and safe. I dont understand why people end up hurting people who want the best for them the most.

I was going under this time. I was saying goodbye to you and you were crying. I said goodbye to the others who had been on board with me this whole time. Telling them it was my time to go now. The ship had sunk for me. Was going deep into the depths of despair. Instead you run away. You hopped off that ship and you didn't even blink an eye lid to see if I was okay.

Today I sail quite smoothly without the people who came on temporary. They were the crew that gave up on me even though I never gave up on them. They viewed me as some crazy captain of the seven seas, who didn't know how to steer a course. But they weren't around when I had to pick up the pieces of the ship that was deteriorating. They didn't stick around to see me sail into the sun again, with the warmth glowing on my face. They dont see how many times I have to put myself back together when they cant love me back. They dont see me for the captain that I am. The one when I am not suffering from the sickness of the seas. The one who has been through emotional storms that nearly killed me. I sail into the sunset and wonder if they would of treated me differently if I went under and didn't come back.

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