Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Yes. It is as bad as it sounds

Yesterday I was applying for a lived experience job in Armadale. I started to reflect on my whole lived experience with my diagnosis of BPD, as well as two other mental illnesses on top of that. Everyone always tells me how strong and resilient I am. How proud they are of me. How I should be proud. I am and this is all positive feedback. Sometimes, sometimes I dont think people quite understand the absolute horror of living with Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Now dont get me wrong, everyone suffering deserves the right treatment and facilities they have available to them. What people dont seem to understand is its extremely hard to get help in WA's system for BPD. I have messages on the daily from people who have a diagnosis, and are stumped about where to get help and what steps are required. This isn't me speaking out so I can have people pat me on the back and show me sympathy. Its not like that at all. I just think some people cant quite capture the reality of BPD. 

This is why I write. Insight you see. I present myself quite well in front of my friends and the community groups I am in. I have the skills to help others over come their ideation. But you dont see the days I pace around my room trying to regulate my emotions because a trigger has taken place. You dont see me before bed having anxiety attacks and angry outbursts as I just want my mind to switch off, but its racing a hundred miles an hour. Telling me to go walk down to the train station and just jump so the emptiness can leave me. So I can be free of all this pain I feel imprisoned with. Then I try distract myself with social media outlets, reading things and other people's views. Posting inspirational quotes about self love and all the other generic sayings. If only if it was that simple. 

Living every minute of the day in fear that someone may the slightest thing that can send you into an episode because you are so highly sensitive. Entering relationships in hope someone can understand how deeply you do feel, only to be abandoned again when you start to open up about how you had another ideation today. Most days you maintain it to the best of your ability. But they dont notice that. They dont notice how much fucking energy and strength it takes you to stay alive. 

When you let someone in and you sabotage it because ever since you were little you couldn't even trust the people around you who were suppose to have your best interests. You are rational and logical and they still didn't want you. The rejection burns a whole in your heart. You see the best in people and you are so vulnerable that you believe despite people's flaws, they will see the best in you. But then you start to hurt yourself, you start to be over whelmed with your emotions and they leave you, saying they did all they can. Saying that you can only help yourself, when people experiencing BPD episodes need that compassion and validation to stay a float. Its what makes them survive from the turmoil happening within themselves. 

This is just the bare of it all. Therapy, medications, doctors and nurses are your lifeline. You cling on to the tiniest bit of love as you were shunned from that when you needed it. You give out so much of it yourself and dont understand the people who struggle to show you how they feel. You continue in this never ending loop of wanting to end your life to some days clinging and attaching yourself to the good things, even though you know all good things do come to an end at some stage. You crave the good so much it filters out any bad. Then when the bad surfaces you split it, you try to stay in the grey area but you start to sink in it and suffocate. You mean what you say so you expect everyone else to. These emotions over whelm you to the point of dissociation.  You have now entered psychosis. They chuck the gown back on at the hospital. You are monitored, they promise help and a day later you are chucked out again. It takes three months top to get some help. You are exhausted trying to stay a float when your whole life seems like a vicious cycle. 

Then you are still here today. Giving your time and energy into being a mental health advocate. Having the fucking guts to publicly present your illness to an audience right in front of you. You are letting them into your dark world of despair. That is bravery. You aren't paid the credit when its due. To experience all of above and still want to love, show compassion and help others, how is speaking about your illness viewed in such a negative light by some people? You are courageous and inspiring to be able to say these things out loud. 

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