Image: Love (2015)
This morning I had the police come visit me again as I was triggered and had an episode. I know this was what people always misunderstand about someones reality and experience with mental illness. They don't realise how easy it is for someone to fall apart if something comes to surface, and due to ultimately being the only person you should look after at the end of the day, most people will disregard how you feel. They will due that without malicious intent, they need to survive just as you need to cope. No ones pain is more different or valid, its just the reality sometimes.
What if I told you there is ways to support someone, no matter what history, label, experience or what relationship you have with them. Its more to stop and think about their reality, and having the skills to see their perspectives. Its about forgiving the person, communication and support. Three things that are vital in helping someone, and making someone feel worthy.
I haven't really wrote about the bizarre, whirlwind of the month I have had recently. Mainly due to the fear of people assuming they know how I feel, or they will tell me how I feel i.e. You can't love someone you don't know. I know myself well enough to know how I feel, and I also know myself well enough that yet again I got the same result as what usually happens when I let someone in, but I also know this time I am not at fault. This time, my reality sunk in. This time, there was no one else to blame and this time, I will not justify what happened. I will tell you a story of how I met someone who absolutely swept me off my feet, and regardless of my illness or not, feelings are beyond peoples control.
I met someone, who I was very sure of. I still battled with reactions to anger and pain surfacing, just as any normal person battles to control their emotions. This time I didn't see any signs of harm being with this person. I understood them, I still understand them and I only ever, up until this point, was rational majority of the time. But something today happened that didn't see well with me, I was made to think I over stepped the mark by wanting to be with someone who reciprocated to me, by the actions, they felt the same. I was blocked after I barely contacted them, and made to feel yet again so small for having a suicide attempt. I in no way think of this person in any way bad, as she has taught me a whole new level of 'grey', which has really helped with my black and white thinking. I want to write to teach, and educate how this has impacted someone after they nearly passed away at the start of the week. I could speak about this for days, but some things people need to know in this situation how fragile it is for someone who has nearly lost their own life, and for them to speak up openly and honestly about that, isn't a form of 'abuse'.
Humans are made up of so many different values, feelings, emotions and logic. Everyone experience things differently, and I do believe people aren't 'made' for each other. Its about finding people who make you feel safe, who make you feel like your utter most self, and its all about who is going to be there for you at the end of the day. I was certain this person I had met made me feel all those things.
I knew this girl for a month. I adored her, I still do adore her and she has nothing but a big heart, compassion and empathy. She struggles with her own insecurities, just like everyone does. But this time, it wasn't about her not wanting to be with me, its about my own validations, especially in a psychotic episode, that have been ignored.
Her feelings are valid too. But this is what frustrates me the most. My friends, people close to me and even her feel 'lost' about what to do in this situation. My triggers are abandonment when someone leaves me in those states, I am taken back to being left in those states from childhood abuse and trauma. That stuff stays with you, and I know if they were left in the ways I have been left in, they would be crippled with pain too. I don't have to justify this, just explain. Explain that no I don't need to love myself before I can be with someone as I do love myself, I value myself and I respect myself. But this is where you have to understand my grey, and my reality. I cannot control emotions in a time I have a flashback. I cannot control emotions when someone rejects me after showing me they feel the same. These are all normal reactions to things. I will not be sorry for wanting to be with someone who showed me they liked me back. I will not apologise for being sincere the whole time, and for being clear with my emotions towards this person. That doesn't make me abusive, or manipulating, for wanting to have someone who I thought was beneficial for my health, in my life. That is something I will not be ashamed of. I will not be responsible for wanting to support them and love them, flaws and all. I will not apologise for being a loyal and caring person. I have spent majority of my life thinking these things were 'bad' of me.
A psychosis disrupts the function of the brain. When someone experiences psychosis they are unable to distinguish what is real- there is a loss of contact with reality. Most people are able to recover from an episode, but they are still real. They are terrifying, petrifying things to experience. The symptoms include delusions, hallucinations and confused thinking. It is a normal want for someone to be there. I understand not everyone is equipped to deal with it, but I know I would be the first person to not leave someones side if they were to ever experience one. They are not an excuse for behaviour, as the behaviour is beyond the persons control. Just like other symptoms and complications of other illnesses, this is what people will experience.
I don't blame anyone for the psychosis I experience, I mainly want people to be aware and acknowledge this is my reality. This isn't black and white, this is grey, just like your struggles are to you. My feelings, logic and rational thinking can switch due to my suffering, just like anyone else can.
I have a strong support network and I am resilent, but it still doesn't justify no follow up, or lack of communication I was received after Tuesday morning. I was so far in my psychosis, I didn't realise what was going on until I felt so sick from all the paracetamol I was swallowing. Have I blamed anyone for it? No, I haven't, as I know it was beyond my control. Just like some things I know you cannot control, so you find other things to gain back that control of how you feel.I over dosed as I was feeling numb, and not present. Please, for one second, think about how that felt for me. I am still here, doing my absolute best in a society as soon as you speak of your 'suicide', its never about the person who just survived it, its always too scary for everyone else to handle.
I will not apologise for my illness, and I am not accountable for people who turn a blind eye to the dark reality of my life. I want love and acceptance, shutting out only makes it worse.