Lately I have been spending time with my close friends who have always supported me after I have tried to end my life. Some have taken a while to understand, but majority of them do and offer small steps to support me and small gestures of love and kindness. I think thats a beauty of having an illness and enduring the trauma I have endured, you learn to be grateful for the kindest gestures, even though it may not seem much to other people. I received some flowers the other day from one of my closest friends Ellie. For once, I didn't question it or think I didn't deserve them. I did, because the last two weeks have been challenging, detrimental and exhausting. I have had urges to hurt myself and to try take my own life again, but I have taken the steps to make sure I am safe and to make sure I look after myself. I think this was the last major episode I needed in order to remind me how far I have worked, and to remove the people from my life who complicate that, or don't want to try understand and support each other along the way.
Another thing I have learnt lately is how people like to make assumptions of people, without getting to know them first. We live in a society where everyone is always searching to 'belonging' to something, rather then searching for themselves and their truths to themselves. I have been quite lucky to have grown up being my own person. I never followed people or had to do what they were all doing to feel like myself. I remember a lot of people labelled me 'different' and 'weird', and I would rather fall under those categories. I am glad I have never been labelled 'fake' or a 'sheep'.
I go out to places and I people watch, to the point it can be brain numbing. You see people so desperately wanting to be accepted, they try be who they are not. They go against their own beliefs and values to impress some boy at the party they view as 'dreamy', and then are shocked when he doesn't treat them the way they expected him to. Girls are putting girls down, to the point it makes me feel sick to the stomach because they have only 'heard' things about this person, but don't personally know her. Self destructive behaviours of 'cooking' it, because you have to be the most fucked person at the party so everyone can enjoy you.
I know people in society are out casted as soon as anyone feels threatened by the persons 'difference'. They are labeled all kinds of crazy if they say how they feel, and are bullied and ridiculed for not being a certain way people want them to be. Everyones on the mental illness band wagon, validating the social media aspects such as 'r u okay day' and 'selfies of support', because if you advocate for it for a day, that makes you look good doesn't it? But as soon as your friend has an attempt, or someone you may know through others has a break down at a party, you choose to ignore the fact they are mentally impaired. You view that reaction, or behaviour as an 'over reaction', or 'attention seeking', or even in some cases, 'manipulation'. So all those things you validate in the virtual world, is in the too hard basket in the real world.
I accept the different people, and I understand everyone reacts differently. What I don't appreciate or like, is when people who are genuine and honest about who they are, are labelled, ridiculed and spoken about in a malicious way when all they did the whole time of the experience they had, or at the party they were attending, or the people they are meeting, is try to be themselves. People also claim to have compassion, but if they saw a person who was mentally impaired on the street or at the party suffering, would they take time out to extend a helping hand and show moral support? I know the answer to that as I have seen it happen, and I have also had it happen to me, that majority of the people in the room wouldn't think it's their issue or responsibility, so they will glance over, sip their beer, and continue on with the night. That is the definition of feeling isolated, and that is the society we live in. If its not happening to you, then you aren't concerned about it as you have to 'look after yourself'. There are ways to do that and still be a genuine human being.
A lot always gives up on people who are mentally ill, say its too hard, they don't know what to do, that they need professional help and it's not their issue. Yes, some of these points are valid, but if you really care, in real life, about the things I stick up for every single day, you would not find it too hard to check in, you would not find it too hard to support someone and you would not find it too hard to communicate with the person. You get blocked on social media for presenting yourself as who you are and your reality, but because its viewed as 'different' and doesn't represent 'happiness', people don't want to know about it. You then attract people, let them in and openly share your experience with them, then they let you down but you are still viewed as the issue because you openly struggle and for wanting people to stay in your life as you genially care about them. You don't need them, but you saw the best so you want them around. You cannot be faulted for that.
So to anyone who feels like a minority, who feels isolated, outcasted and ashamed for being them, and battling an illness every day, please know its people like you we need around. You cannot apologise for being who you are, and not abiding by what everyone else wants you to do. I felt ashamed all of last week for having an attempt and being shut out again by someone I let in, and this time I know I didn't do anything wrong. I know I was true to myself, I was honest and I was articulate in describing the absolute despair that is my life. I cherish the beautiful moments I do have, and I hold on to them because I know how to appreciate people and the people I let in. Don't ever, ever apologise for having a heart in this cold and brutal world of the people who aren't willing to learn, and would rather follow what everyone else is doing/saying. The people who coldly shut you out, they are the ones who truly will miss out.