Tuesday, 24 January 2017

To be ill adjusted to a deranged world is not a breakdown

I think when it comes to having a diagnosed mental illness, there is always the pressure of maintaining your health so you don't become a disappointment or a burden to those around you. I know I have to constantly be in check of my emotions and reactions to triggers, and its honestly an exhausting way to live. When you have BPD, you are highly sensitive to your surroundings. If you are tipped off, even by the slightest thing, most of the episodes result in self harm. Then self harm leads to a break down, the a break down can lead to a hospital admission. 

I had an episode yesterday, but I know that doesn't cancel out the happiness I had been feeling as of late. In the moment, I felt anger, pain, frustration and sadness. This is a common feeling when a certain symptom of BPD arises, and that doesn't make me any less of a human being. People resort to self harm as a coping mechanism for not being able to control their reactions and emotions in that moment. 

I was so certain I would be taken to emergency last night, strapped to a white and uncomfortable hospital bed and told I would have to 'wait' for assistance because the emergency department is super busy with everyone else around them. I understand life threatening scenarios they are faced with, but when will they realise Suicide ideation, on the daily, is life threatening for someone with a mental illness? Would you ask someone with a brain tumour to fend for themselves and just keep them there over night, then tell them to be on their way the next day? We all know the answer to that. 

I would use hospital more often if they could cater to my illness, but the reality is, they can't. For what ever reason, mentally ill patients can be treated poorly in emergency situations, regardless if they have the psychical symptoms there or not. Because their attempt has failed, it means that they are 'okay' from a mental health professionals perspective, or that they will be 'fine', that it was their 'choice', and if they didn't act on it in the first place, they wouldn't be here in ED right now. 

Not all hospitals are like this, but the ratio of more hospitals are like this over rides the ones that aren't. When will society do something for people like me? Sure, I have options, but those options are very few. I am back and fourth from wards, hospitals and doctors. It makes me strong, but I can assure you it's not an 'easy' way to live. I feel like I spend all my time making sure my mental illness is under control with little help, and that isn't a 'fun' way to live.I hold on dearly to the days that aren't like that, but those days can also slip from my hands. Some things have been so good, but they still will eventually leave from my grasp and I can't help but wonder if its my fault, even though I am trying. 

All I can say is, I am happy I got to wake up in my own bed today. I had a friend come over and calm me down, as she listened to my needs and validated how I felt during my episode. A few hours later, she told me she could see me become my calm and rational self again. I guess this is what I need people to know about someone suffering, their symptoms in those moments doesn't define who they are, and you cannot be angry for them having a slip up. Its all part of being a human being, and everyone is capable of a slip up. 

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