I am very much in my own thoughts again. I have been applying the skills Estelle had taught me of late. In each scenario life throws at me, I feel I always have to be the one who takes a step back, even though I know I am capable of helping others. This is where I feel like my feelings are never important or validated. I know I am strong and have resilience, but when will I get to have the things I want? Why do I have to put everyone else's needs above my own? Why can't we all compromise?
This isn't me having pity on myself. I was speaking to one of my closest friends who was helping me with a situation that is currently impacting me. Everything she said I knew logically, but all I saw was the focus on the other person in the situation. I am already focusing on the other person in the situation, I just couldn't help but wonder- just because I have the strength, why I didn't matter in the equation? Everyone is different, everyone is struggling. So why can't everyone come together and work from there? Especially when the feelings are mutual of the people involved. Just because I have those attributes doesn't mean my feelings are just thrown aside.
You can probably already notice my thinking patterns from the first two paragraphs. I think a lot. I think about everything, everyone around me and having PSTD along with BPD, I will re live things as I get attached to moments. Society is always telling us 'not to get attached', but attachment is being aware of that moment with a certain thing/feeling/place/person. How is that a bad thing, to feel in the moment and really take something out of it?
Another stigma in society is 'timing' and 'the meaning of life'. I have met someone I am dead set certain I was sent to be with. She was a version of everything I learnt I needed to have a healthy relationship after being dealt a handful of toxic relationships, wether it was partners or friendships. People I have spoken to have said 'it shouldn't matter, it hasn't been that long'. Well it matters to me, and I hear learnt time can't measure feelings. I could have known this person for two years, and my feelings for her would still be valid. Everyone is always going by articles they read. One friend said to me 'you don't love her Carissa, you don't know her'. I know her and I feel that connection, and it's exhausting having to live by what society tells you. I read once you shouldn't tell someone you love them until after the 3-6 month mark. But this is what the article doesn't hi light, everyones experiences and perceptions are different. Some have similar outlooks on life and thats what draws the right people together. I refuse to ignore how I feel just because an article on the internet has told me to, or because my friend has had a different experience that they must be right about it all.
This also goes with the 'right' way to deal with things. Everyone should go off intuition, which is one of the strongest qualities of a person. My intuition tells me to support everyone around me, love everyone and embrace everyones flaws. No one is on another level for me and everyone I meet, I will welcome with opening arms. Sometimes I don't know the concept of 'space', as space for me have anxieties attached to it. I respect the person needs time and space, but this is where I am waiting, and waiting has the thoughts of 'what happens if they meet someone else', 'what happens if it doesn't work out', 'why am I not good enough to be fought for', 'why am I so easy to let go of'. When someone pushes you aside, its normal for insecurities and questions of confusion to arise. I know when I see people struggle, my heart is big and I cannot just simply cut someone out without challenging myself and offering my compassion. I wish people would embrace my compassion, but I know the people that shut it out, its due to their own personal struggles.
Another demand from society is 'don't get attached'. This is asking the impossible. If you really, genuinely like someone, you will have a form of attachment to them. There is healthy and unhealthy forms of attachment which I learnt over my time with having my mental illness, but why is it societies choice in telling you what you can and cannot be attached to? Getting attached to people is only being human. You are allowed to be attached to someone you like, your friends and your family. Life is about balance. The human brain is made to take things in and experience things. Attachments can help you learn things about yourself as well as other people.
If you show love, you are made to be weak. If you show compassion, you are made out to be 'too caring'. This doesn't go for everyone, but some people wont take in peoples positive energies and would rather look for the negative, even if the negative isn't present. A lot of people always want 'better', and because they search for that better so hard they forget to enjoy or take in what is right in front of them.
Not everyone has to live by what I say. I accept everyones differences. I just wish for once people would allow me to feel, instead of giving me the 'she'll be right' attitude because I am resilient. My resilience comes from hardship. I don't think it human to be constantly trying to live to other peoples means, and people should be more mindful instead of saying what they would do straight away or telling people how they should be dealing with things. I have learnt over my time to embrace my flaws, love my traits that do give me strength and to not be afraid of being so vulnerable. Without my vulnerability, I wouldn't have got to experience some of the most beautiful feelings in the world. Only I am allowed to tell myself how I feel, not how everyone else wants me to feel. Life is beautiful when we all work with each other, not tear each other down.