Wednesday, 7 December 2016

When someone stabs you it's not your fault that you feel pain



What I have learnt over this year is everyone deals with pain differently. I know I have seen certain people I have bene close to in mind numbing pain due to loss, break ups, falling out. Some sit quietly as that is what society has lead them to do. For me, sitting in silence from what I have endured over the course of my life would result in me acting out on my pain a lot more then I do. I feel weighed down from the pain and I know I do all I can to make sure I stay safe. 

What some people don't seem to have is an open mind to everyones pain. So for example, if someone suffers differently to someone else and they aren't getting the help that the person who suffers differently usually gets, they seem to view the other person not helping themselves and trying to do better. This is where I wish people would be more mindful to others suffering. I wish so much that people would listen to the people who have had that lived experience and take into account some of the things they are saying. I guess that is where people like me are trying to break down the stigma created in society. 

It is not my fault I am feeling the way I am, on top of all the grieving and stress I have thrown away. There are parts I was doing very well and other parts I struggle so much. When someone voices their struggle, they should be validated and people should try to educate that aspect of their life. That is what having two perspectives is. I know in my case with my heart break it's my emotional intelligence  that is letting me down. I seem to understand my ex partner a lot better then she realises which is why I always able her behaviours towards me then simply ignoring her. This isn't reciprocated back which is quite clear over the last few days. 

I have been written off all types of crazy by her and her social group. Its easier to write off the one who openly struggles as a human being as that is how some of society still views mental illness. People don't take on board what is really going on. I have realised I am quite rational until the point I am pushed and that is where I have a gap in my skill set. I have also realised a lot of people use other outlets to fight their inner demons. 

I don't think it comes down to my mental illness in this situation. I think it comes down to someones lack of compassion or lack of desire to learn about other peoples feelings and needs. Selfish works but that is where this person doesn't realise to move forward in life and to be successful you require people skills. You require respect and consideration. A few attributes that are lacking on their behalf. 

Its honestly not my fault I was attached to you. You opened me up and when you saw the blood you left me to clean up all the mess. The back and fourth was enough to drive any sane person insane. 

I am very aware now of my wrong doings. I was even threaten with a VRO once. But you still seem to talk to me. I think this is one big game that has got very out of control because thats what you want in the end. You want the power and you just haven't suffered any repercussions like I have. I will say it again, I wanted closure. I was entitled to ask questions after time and time again you came back and fourth because you didn't know what you wanted and I still feel you don't even know who you are/accepted who you are. I want to work on myself and I want to get better. I have shown you that and you were very aware of the progress I have made. Please don't do your usual routine of playing victim this time. I was rational, but what you can't seem to grasp is I am also battling an illness every day. One that isn't put on and one that I do not use as an excuse. I hope one day you can realise this but that is what is killing me when it comes to you, I have 'hoped' for you to be a decent human being for so long now I am burnt out. 

I hope my posts have made people feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is a good thing if used in the right manner. Uncomfortable means I have made people think about maybe changing their views on things such as someone speaking up about the pains and truths of a mental illness. 

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