Saturday, 10 December 2016

Trauma is personal

Trauma is a deeply distressing or a disturbing experience. No ones trauma is little or more then another person's. Just because someone may have it 'worse' then you, it doesn't mean that your pain shouldn't be acknowledged. People who have suffered from trauma have difficulty functioning and coping. The emotions that stem from trauma are fear, numbness, depression, guilt, anger and panic. Behaviours such as with drawing and isolation are signs someone isn't coping by themselves. Psychical signs such as easily startled, exhaustion, disturbed sleep and headaches occur. Intrusive memories, nightmares, disorientation and confusion happens in the cognitive thinking as well. 

Suffering all these symptoms it's completely understandable how people who have suffered from post traumatic stress struggle with functioning in reality. I feel everyone has purpose in life and people who have come from an abusive background spend majority of their life trying to come to terms with why they were placed in abusive situations where it was beyond their control. So all these emotions such as anger, frustration, guilt, numbness etc are very valid emotions to feel towards a situation where you were vulnerable but weren't kept safe or loved like society has shown you people have in other environments. 

I never said my pain was more of an importance then anyone else's pain. I think with me is I want to help people who suffer similar ways to me as I know exactly how it feels. I can pin point all those emotions this person may be experiencing when they have had a traumatic experience. I know people who haven't had that experience struggle to relate to how it feels. 

I don't speak about it openly for sympathy or to gain anything. For example tonight I am struggling very hard with a depressive stage of grief and trauma I have experienced lately. I only reached out to one person tonight. No one really checks in and this is where people are sitting at home suffering silently. I see a world where I see my friends enjoying present moments and I am here in my room wishing I wasn't alive. I want them to be happy but I feel I can't be around them at this point of my life as they don't understand how grief stricken I really am. I don't want to view myself as a victim but I am a subject to abuse. Abuse I didn't want and abuse that impacts me so severely that I can't function or cope. 

Such small things can lift me up when I am like this. When someone calls like one of my closest friends did before. It can bring me back to the moment and remind me of the present moment I should be in. My thoughts always wonder off to the traumatic times as I am still trying to process it. I know why some people have inflicted pain onto me but it still doesn't make it okay. Because I feel so deeply it stays with me. They cope in other ways but I wish they cared as much as I do. I wish for once someone could just ask me how I was feeling instead of contacting me and controlling the situation. But that is forcing someone to be empathetic and compassionate. 

There are days I am so scared of my future. Days where I don't see a future because I am not surprised if I do lose my life to suicide. The internal pain within me is hard to let go of because I didn't do anything to deserve it. That is where the frustration and anger arises. That is where I have to self check and control the emotions. The anger can be so intense I want to scream at the top of my lungs and smash windows to release the pain. But using mindfulness I find other outlets to express it. I express the emotions but they are always inside of me, waiting to erupt from a certain trigger or memory emerging.

I write to give you insight. I beg for peoples gentleness instead of receiving the gentleness to begin with. I show people every form of my pain and they turn a blind eye to it. I feel like I am slowly deteriorating in this society and its high demands to 'be happy and move forward'. How does one do that in such traumatic events? How do I begin to 'live' instead of surviving. 

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