Thursday, 22 December 2016

Rejection is one of the worse forms of pain. Loss is the worst. Grief haunts until you allow yourself to move on

I feel strange. I am back to being content with life and I am able to move through the motions of my intense pain without turning to the self destructive behaviours I was displaying six months ago. This is a huge accomplishment for me and its allow me to notice a lot of positive aspects of my life instead of focusing all my energy on the negativity. Its abled myself to remove people very easily from my life instead of latching on in hope they will be able to understand my perspective and ease the pain they inflicted on me. 

I had a sudden rush of guilt this afternoon. I was doing most of my mindfulness skills today and making sure I was on the right track to recovery. I just realised the humiliation some people who have hurt me may feel when they read this blog. So I just wanted to set the record straight and finally close one of the most painful chapters of my life for good.

As I have hi lighted, there are a lot of complications when it comes to relationships and suffering BPD. I have met people who border the borderline symptoms in BPD, but I don't think anyone can quite comprehend how difficult it is to maintain a relationship for someone suffering BPD. It doesn't mean I am taking responsibility for what happened to me in the past relationship as I was hurt severely. My point is this blog was written to help people like myself know that sometimes wether you have BPD or not, some relationships are just not meant to be. Doesn't mean you don't love and care about them, they just can't stay in your life while you are on your journey of 'recovery'. BPD people often start to blame themselves with a relationship break down and I know in this case I did all I possibly and humanly could to fight for this person and make it work. It was not reciprocated and I am sorry if they viewed it as a personal 'attack'. My heart and soul was torn apart due to betrayal, so I wrote for myself and any other person who have had similar experiences to sought comfort in my writing. I know its helped a lot of people and definitely at the time served its purpose for me. My brutal honesty attracted a lot of pathways to breaking the stigma towards BPD and mental illness, and it also lead me  to a lot of experiences I wouldn't change for the world. It made me alive in a time death was calling. Doesn't mean I didn't love, value or care about said person. I loved her more than anything in this world.

I also have decided to take a couple months off writing my blog. I start trauma therapy next year in Perth and I will start to write about that when I start the therapy. Until then, I feel I have washed away all the pain inflicted on me the past year and six months. It still arises and by washing away I mean I now know what to do to cope with it instead of turning to self harm/suicide ideations. I know now how to do self talk and who to call when I am feeling so low. These two things play a huge part in being able to regulate my emotions in a healthier manner.

Since I started to be vocal about my silent illness my friendships have become stronger, I have attracted the right people and its lead me on a path for recovery. Even when I find myself becoming sick I speak out and the right people are there for me straight away. No hesitations or questions are asked. They validate me and they ask what they can do in order to support me. For example, a dear friend out of the blue asked what safety plan we can use when I go to southbound with my social network. She took that extra step to ask what I need so everyone can provide that comfort and support as she understands the battles of suicide ideation I have and the pain that sits internally. To this day this is one of the most thoughtful and considerate gestures someone has offered. It was just such a small gesture that caused such a positive impact on me and even made my day so much more hopeful and content.

I want to thank each and every person who has seen me at my lowest and still is beside me today. You have never given up on me and you know the debilitating pain of Borderline after I had the bravery to come forward and educate everyone. To anyone who has been 'hurt' or 'humiliated' by my blog, please know I have no malicious intentions, but the constant pain people were causing me I had to voice up and stick up for my morals and beliefs. Last but not least the people who suffer the hardest mentally and suffer silently, and have come forward to reach out to me- knowing I have helped you has made me want to be alive and serve my purpose. I will stop at nothing to end the stigma towards Mental Illness's and I do believe I have smashed that out of the ball park this year.

Thank you again for all your support,
Carissa :)

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