April 2016. A time I wish I could rewind and avoid all things that happened. Things beyond my control. Things at the time I would easily go back to. For my own self esteem. For my own safety. I know these thoughts are only brief as I remember its now December. I reflect on how far I have come.
Reflecting on your past is not living in it. Reflection is a way to move forward and work on your behaviours. Reflection is taking responsibility for your part in something. Reflecting is something that allows growth. I reflect on my behaviours as I want to do better. I want to cope better and I want to function better. Not just for myself, but to anyone who is close to me.
April 2016 I was certain I had signed my death certificate. I was certain I would be six feet under. I was certain I had nothing left of me to give. You have to think of the biggest pain you have ever felt and multiple that by a hundred. That is how I was feeling eight months ago. Bloody sheets from self harm. Marks on my neck from belts. I hated everything. I was completely broken, beyond fixing. I myself made a choice to change. Melbourne has served its purpose and its served it very well.
What people don't seem to understand is there will be times I will 'slip up'. A slip up to me isnt what people view a slip up as. It's a symptom at the time cannot be controlled as your meds, therapy or other coping strategies aren't working, no matter how hard you are trying. They are the moments we need to voice up and say it how it is. In those moments we need a loved one or a close friend to be with us or be on the phone to us. Someone who genuinely cares.
Having anxiety about moving home is an understatement. I am petrified. But I know I went and did something about my illness. I worked hard on the behaviours I know may have caused someone else pain. My pain is never intentionally, but I work extra hard on myself. Not just recently, but for 10 years I have dealt with this to the best of my ability at the time.
There are a few sections I have to work on. For example, balancing my compassion. I understand how certain people feel and why they behave the way they behave, but it still doesn't excuse what they do to me. I know I took a step back and seemed help because I really care about the people I have hurt when I have been in a psychosis or in a mentally impaired state. I have friends who understand that it's my illness so they are still supporting me and I have lost people due to them not understanding.
Moving to Melbourne has improved my illness more than I thought I would gain. I began to become myself again and become more positive. I know in real dark starts that I have been in I have coped much better then I was in Perth. I still have self harmed and I still have that ideation, but the way I handle it has improved immensely. I will not let anyone else make me think differently.
I am ready to go home and work harder. I want to be better. I want to feel more present and more valuable in life then feeling like I am drifting through the days and forcing myself to live in this society. Validation and finding my voice has helped me so much. Self talk is a coping strategy now. I know back then I was blaming myself for absolutely everything and I hated who I was. Even people who were hurting me I would think it was because of me. Not being good enough, being too much, being too caring, too loving and always viewing my strengths as weakness. I know I have so much to offer but I was giving away my vunerbility to the wrong people. People who don't care about me, people who don't want to work and expand themselves and people who have showed me some of the most cruelest experiences I have ever endured. I know I would never ever treat anyone like that.
I enjoy telling people of my suicide ideation now. I know how morbid it may sound. I spoke to a friend today and he said he wanted to do something to give back to people. I remember I said that when I was his age and here I am 27 years later, surviving my suicide ideation giving back to people like me. Now that is a reason to keep on surviving.