Friday, 2 December 2016

I have to tell you, everyday is a rollercoaster


2016 is one I could easily wipe clean from my memory. Well the painful memories that have come from it. If I could have it my way, earasing my memory is something I have longed for since I was a kid. I know that isn't how life works but sometimes I fell I could carry  myself stronger then constantly feeling like I'm dragging my feet through the mud. But I know my pain is a part of me. With no pain I would have had no experiences like I have had before and my pain this year was a gate way to some of the best experiences of life I have ever had. After all I remember suicide was my best friend since May, then it became an aquatint by December. Time did allow me to minimise those intense thoughts. Those thoughts nearly cost me my life and I believe if I didn't have the bravery to speak up, I would be six feet under today. 

The beginning of this year was quite blurry for me. I had discovered Suicide Prevention Australia. For me, that platform and working with those people also helped me keep my head above water when I was so ready to drown. I discovered writing. My friend had posted a blog he wrote and I was inspired to voice my experience like that. Then when that blog started, I gained a lot of experiences and opportunities from my writings. I started off writing for my own benefits and to have an outlet to express my pain with my mental illness. I then started to receive feedback, mostly positive, about speaking out like I did. I was receiving backlash that I did take on board. Some people expressed how I could communicate better so I took in the negatives as well as the positives which I do believe made me successful. I know write for the biggest Mental Health website in the world known as 'The Mighty'. I have had two published articles and I am sure I will have many more to come. I also have featured in Borderline Articles in the USA. I then found two organisations such as Zottie Dottie and The Oz Project. These two came along when I was shut in my room for nearly a solid month harming myself. In those dark times I had glimpses of hope from those two platforms and two extraordinarily beautiful human beings who wanted to give to people suffering just like my main goal was as well. 

I then signed up for Hike To Halves Suicide Prevention Australia Trek. This was one of the most challenging, exhausting, amazing and life changing experiences I have ever had. It was an honour to go and do that trek after my reputation was destroyed in Perth. Accusations were thrown as well as people talking and making assumptions about my finical crisis. I raised over 7,000 in the end thanks to the help of a lot of people. Kane Hipper was a huge asset to helping me achieve my hike as he has had lived experience of Suicide due to losing a family member. His generosity along with everyone else who worked with him was mind blowing. I then had my dear friend Owen who is part of a band called The Chrolines get behind me a hundred per cent. I met his beautiful partner Lara and I also got to meet other kind and generous people along the way. People who made me feel like I belonged here. That is where I did my second public speech about my lived experience with Suicide after completing the lived experience speakers course at Perth Zoo. The course was over 3 days. I must admit due to my debilitating health I didn't think I was going to be able to attend. But I found comfort in the people around me in that workshop. I didn't feel like I was an 'attention seeker' or a 'manipulator' when I stood up at the front of the workshop and spoke vocally about the pain I have endured since my teens. I then got to listen to them and listen to people who have lost siblings, husbands and children from Suicide. This was one of the most times I have been grateful for having an opportunity like that as its lead me to know what I want to do with my life. I want to get better and beat my illness so I can help people. I always use my spare time to help others and I know people who are suicidal need as much help as they can. This then lead to other talks I did public and the feedback I got was mind-blowing. I have made people cry and have helped them speak up about their own experiences. I know when we speak about these things it helps prevent people taking their own lives. Knowing that Suicide is the leading cause of death in Australia I learnt to have no time for people who were ignorant to what silently kills people because of the stigma people create when they don't want to understand something as heart breaking as this. Suicide is a part of my life I battle with every day. 

My other dear friend Bree also set up an art fundraiser down south where all my home grown friends were. Her now husband Jarrad and his band mate Mitch (also old friends of mine) played some music. I didn't know how the people would react when I spoke publicly down there but the feedback was amazing. The room went silent and I had a lovely night being around people who really knew me and  reminded me of who I am. Bree was so helpful as well as she had been through similar experiences and having her friendship helped me a lot when I was struggling. Its just so nice to talk to someone who understands my perspective and tries to understand my illness as well. We raised over $600 dollars that night when Bree auctioned off her amazing art. She painted each mental illness from her perspective and the Borderline one was so relatable. 

This year I also learnt of real friendships through my time of hardships. I have accepted I  lost some friendships, some ones I had for 8 years due to being broken hearted as well as mentally ill. I lost two best friends and a person I have loved more than anything in this world. The love wasn't because of the intense feelings of my illness, I was genuinely, utterly and madly in love with her. I had two best friends not trust me and kick me out of their own home as I couldn't afford rent as I was bed ridden from my illness at the time and I couldn't even bring myself to go to work. I also felt I couldn't reach out to them due to their heavy drinking habits and drug intakes. I felt very isolated, alone and I desperately needed to seek help before I lost my life to Borderline. My suicide ideation was so intense I was dissociating at every present moment which was more dangerous then actually allowing myself to think of suicide. I ended up at parks, train stations and then in the psych ward as I just didn't feel like I was here anymore. My vulnerabilities were played on, I was disrespected immensely by people I was told I could rely on and I was kicked to the curb, spat on and made fun of. I don't think I had ever wanted to die so badly. I felt like an object and the emotions I endured at the time were killing me. I didn't know what to do. I ended up living with my ex partner at the time which I couldn't thank her enough for, even though I know it was her wrong actions that got us there in the first place. 

This is where I bring us back to the darkest time I had experienced in a long time. 2015 was filled with heart ache and hardship. I was dumped in hospital (Yes I will remind you of that because it was quite possibly the most heartless thing you've ever done) and I was going through an unstable relationship that was tainted with lies already. Not lying so much to me but she was lying to majority of the people around us. I was receiving one thing then when she spoke to other people they were hearing different things from her. So with that happening, we had time apart at the start of January 2016. In this time i truly believed she was doing what she always said she was doing when she wanted to be 'alone'- that she was working on herself as she was foreseeing a future with me and reassured me that 'there was no one else'. I believed this. I held on to this. So I started to work really hard to maintain my health. I used swimming and riding as a huge outlet to getting mentally fit and healthy. It helped a lot but I feel some times I surpassed my emotions and used sport to express it too much so sometimes it left me feeling more exhausted then I already was. So we started sleeping together again and it was leading into getting back together. We started to spend more time then we did previously when we were together. I was snuck into her house which at the time I thought was fine as I was convinced I was in the wrong with everything. During this time I had met her ex what ever he was. He befriended me and assured me that him and my ex were 'nothing'. 

Sex to me is an act of love. I have had meaningless sex in the past and when I met my ex last year I started to experience what I believe was meaningful sex. I also then discovered how vulnerable I was in that relationship. The reason I held on and it felt impossible to let go is I told her something I have never spoken about with anyone before. To my surprise she was so comforting and supportive at the time. Those flashbacks that I use to experience mildly erupted when I started to fall in love with her. They surfaced and exploded in one big hit. I can imagine how over whelming it would have been for her, but to this day she still has no fucking idea how it felt for me. We went through all that together and reconciled after that. So we started to rekindle our broken relationship. From about February to the start of April we were being intimate agin. The sex had become more intense. I was persuaded to think  I was different for her.

Before I agreed to enter this what ever it was we had again, I asked her if she had slept with someone. She looked at me countlessly and said yes but convinced me I didn't know him. During the time we had apart I even confronted the person in question if they had gone back there so I could move on. He also outwardly lied to me. The next day my ex had threatened to go 'to the police' because I asked for the truth so I could have moved on at the start of the year. I was made out to be a psycho because I loved someone and wanted to know the truth in order to go about my own life. This person who I shared the most intimate part of me knew how much our intimacy meant to me. 

This is where the belittling begun. I was made to take the blame (???) as I started to show my BPD symptoms. I think BPD or no BPD, anyone in their right mind would of been as heart broken as me. I trusted this person more than anyone in the world and I thought we had the mutual stomping ground in that regard. But no. I was made out to be the crazy one, the one who was in the wrong. Yes we had broken up, but the matter of the fact is I asked the question so I could leave that behind and concentrate on myself. I was lied to by not only her, but a lot of other people. Cowardly acts as they didn't want to have to 'deal' with me crying and being destroyed over it. 

I felt like I had completely lost my mind. Couldn't trust anyone at this stage. Everyone was reaching out to help but all I wanted to do was hang myself.I didn't want to be alive. I then had her friends going on my social media 'attacking' me because I didn't keep my heartbreak hush hush. I owed my ex absolutely nothing. I thanked her countlessly for looking after me when I was homeless but everything was still done on her terms. I had to recover on 'her' terms otherwise she would refuse to be there for me. I started lashing out in psychosis's as I was in crippling pain. I felt paralysed. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, hurting myself to the point it became a normal routine of my day and still I was to blame. Everyone was concerned for her health instead of the one who had got hurt. I now have learnt my reactions and behaviours had crossed lines but I cannot apologise for something that was caused and could have been avoided if honesty was practiced in the first place. 

I was ready to throw in the towel. I hated absolutely everything around me. I didn't want to be around my friends anymore or people who really cared about me. The person I hated the most was myself. I wanted to die. I wanted a funeral. I wanted people to feel fucking guilty for the pain they caused me. I wanted them to suffer as much as they had made me suffer. I want her to suffer the most for betraying me the way she promise me she wouldn't. I wanted the belt to go tighter. I didn't want my friends to keep taking me to hospital. Life was that bad much to everyone arounds me disbelief. I was a complete shadow of myself.  I was the object that she had made me feel when she showed me she didn't care what happened to me and that she could never take responsibility for her part in it all. It was all riddle with excuses thrown to me and everyone around her. I just didn't want to see her or anyone else ever again. 

Something kept me going and I do believe its hope. I had hope that maybe the next morning I didn't have to wake up and hurt myself and that maybe a friend might want to see me even though I am at my ultimate low. As I said previous I then went to the speakers workshop and met all these people who I didn't have to 'hide' that side of myself. I learnt about validation, something that I have lacked in my life since I was abused younger. I wasn't allowing myself to validate how I was feeling. I didn't think I was 'allowed' to hurt or express how I was hurting. I felt it wasn't valid as the excuses she was feeding me at the time convinced me to just 'get over it'. That I was 'the toxic person she couldn't wait for everyone to find out who I really was'. She forgotten all I was to her. All of me that I had given her was disregarded because she couldn't be accountable for the pain she caused me. 

I woke up one day and the clock was ticking. I was running out of options. Everyone all the sudden became my mental health professional team! Saying how I should be dealing with my illness instead of asking me what I need. I know some of the people had my best interests at heart, but I do believe the other majority were bored in a small minded city and wanted some more toxic gossip to make themselves feel better about their mundane lives. I have been in the system for ten years. They were slaves to stigma, saying if you really felt suicidal then you would... like fuck you! You all had no idea what I was doing behind close doors and you think that was a fucking choice I had? Like aw H***** hasn't replied to me today Im gonna go cut myself for FUN and so I GAIN HER ATTENTION. I had no other options. I felt none of my 'friends' were understanding of borderline. It wasn't as 'simple' as maybe an illness they had experienced. I had flashbacks of being sexually molested, my girlfriend has just broken my heart and my suicide ideation is heightened. I wanted to stay in hospital but the systems fucked. Not enough beds, not enough compassionate doctors doing their job PROPERLY. Not enough psychs wanting to work with Borderline. Yes my life is that fucking gut wrenching, scary and fucking over whelming. That is how fucking painful it is to me. Im not her to fucking complain or whinge, I was desperately running out of options. Nothing seemed to work. 

One thing I know about myself is I can go out of my comfort zone. Some people may have viewed my move to Melbourne as a way to 'run' from everyone that was sucking the life out of me in Perth. This wasn't the case. I like to explain it like this: Lets just say you are trapped in a container. Some air holes are there but people start nailing them shut. I had about 5 air holes and I was up to my last one to the point I felt suffocated. I was experiencing psychosis more then reality. I was feeling anger and pain more then joy. I couldn't even get joy out of my outlets anymore. I felt dead. I was dying. But because people couldn't see me dying, they told me to get over it, move on, it happens to everyone. The assumptions that were thrown instead of the compassion I needed and deserved in those times is what was lacking. Everyone quickly forgot how I dropped everything for them in their times of need, but due to being uneducated and not wanting to understand it was just easier to ignore me and shut me out. I couldn't eat, I barely showered. I wanted to stay in hospital but due to it being a personality disorder and the wait was four months if I wanted Perth clinic and cost me an arm and a leg, I started to give up. I felt nothing I could do would save me from wanting to die. 

Then I decided maybe moving could be a gateway to helping me get the help I really needed. I wanted to be in a city where I didn't feel like I had to fuck myself up ten fold to fit in with everyone as there is really no direction in Perth. Everyone is out doing the same thing- getting high, getting drunk, talking about how fucked they were in the morning, talking about who they fucked that morning and repeat. i had goals bigger then a city full of this. I wanted to help people. I wanted to travel the world and meet people I could talk about mental illness with. Not this. Something had to be better then the environment I was stuck in. I use to be the person who would be the drunkest and the most fucked so I could 'fit' in. Little did everyone know it deteriorated my health. It was killing me. I can't go to a party and say 'hey I felt like jumping in front of a train today'. I had to sit quietly, downing my vodka until I was black out drunk which nearly always resulted in me having an anxiety attack and punching walls from the suppressed anger I was made to sit on. 

I moved to Melbourne where they have a Borderline Personality Disorder Foundation! Where there is people giving up their own time to make sure people like me get the help they need. People who know the seriousness of the illness. Knowing this was a breath of fresh air. Meeting these two wonderful ladies who created this and get paid very little was one of the most selfless and kindest things I could have ever come across. As people are aware dealing with Borderlines can be emotionally draining so it takes a great amount of empathy and compassion to help them. 

So I flew across to Melbourne. I saw people who are my true friends before I moved. I was sad to leave them but I knew this was the best thing for me at the time. It also allowed me to concentrate on my hike as well. I remember I wrote her a letter trying to end on good terms even after she left me in my time of need again. But that is who I am and I am not ashamed in knowing I have a caring nature and still have the capacity to love someone when all they did was bring me pain. I recently was told by you that you didn't read it. I know even if you did read it, it still wouldn't of made much impact and stopped you betraying me months after the first time. 

Being in Alice Springs was a life time changing experience that I would happily do all over again. I remember first arriving and this place was beautiful. I had a image in my head that it will all be rocks and dust and no scenery. It is to date the most breath takingly beautiful thing I have seen in Australia. I grew up in regional Western Australia so I know some pretty nice spots. But this was different. The land is looked after so much better. I was exposed to more Indigenous culture. I must admit I was someone before who didn't really understand how hard it was for them. Meeting people who lived in Alice Springs with little to no resources when it came to mental health really stuck with me. That is when I learnt what 'privilege' is about. I wondered what treatment I would have had if I was an indigenous person who had Borderline. I know it would be completely different and I knew when I went back to Melbourne I had to look into getting help as I now had that opportunity to get the help I needed. They were also so grateful for the money we fundraised for them which allowed them to attend the conference for Suicide Prevention that was help in Canberra. I know when I left Alice Springs I wanted to be involved more in educating people about our culture and the people who deserved the most respect, the people who were here first. It was them. 

Seven days I spent walking through Alice Springs. Some parts were so hard but I learnt how mentally strong I was out there. I met some of the most amazing people and made a lot of good friendships. Rachel made a huge impact on me and made me learn a lot about myself. She reminded me of what I could do and how strong I really was. Also Ethan and Michelle with their caring natures always checking in on me. I met two mums who had lost their sons to suicide and realised how differently people deal with grief. One stood out a lot with how positive she was when she has experienced such a devastating loss. I longed for that positivity as well. All these different personalities I was getting to take parts of and discover things about me. It really helped me on the road to healing, as cliche as that may sound to people. One of the hardest things was going downhill of Mount Sonder. We had woke up at 2am in the morning and three hours downhill I was ready to call it quits. I started kicking rocks and huffing and puffing because my knees were giving way. Alison one of the group leaders calmed me down and start talking to me to distract me from the anger and pain. She asked me what was really going on so when I started telling her about what has happened for me lately I realised by the time we finished the conversation I was down hill. So I over came that tough obstacle just by talking about it, another thing we encourage to talk up when you are felling at your lowest. It works in all aspects of life. 

I remember the last night of the hike Rach bought a bottle of red and we all were so happy. We had completed the hike for a cause we know helps the people who need it and also that we could all take away from. I remember we ate steak Troy the tour guide had cooked us up and we were all in great spirits. We all talked and chatted then I went to sleep knowing the next day we would go back to the hotel and really celebrate the last night of being all together and celebrating what we accomplished. 

The next day we did a small hike and went to a fall before heading back to the hotel. I remember we just got back into the hotel lobby and I received a message from my Dad. We barely speak for obvious reasons so I know he only messages when something has happened. It was weird because the night before two lovely ladies who took me under their wings on the hike had pointed to my screen background of a picture of my Grandma and I. They said she looked beautiful and I gushed about how amazing she was and how she looked after me after my first suicide attempt. She was someone who was constantly there for me. She had suffered a heart attack the month before I went on my hike. They both looked at me with big smiles and said how lovely it was I had that connection with her. My grandma was my world. She had taught me allI knew about love, courage and strength. I don't care of her age, she was someone I looked up to and wanted to be like. I wanted to have all her amazing qualities. 

So we were in the lobby and I opened my Fathers text message. He said to call him back as it was important. My stomach had sunk. I tend to always jump to conclusions and think the worst when receiving messages like that. So I rang him. I was emotionally exhausted from all the highs and lows of the hike so I sounded quite tired when we spoke. He told me grandma has passed away the morning I had finished. I was devastated. I cried and bawled and he asked me to not 'do anything stupid'. Even my Dad, someone who doesn't really know me or I have any connection with, knows how much she meant to me. I thanked him for telling me and I cried outside. Just sobbed. Weak me wanted to call my ex girlfriend because yet again she was the only one I really opened up to about the importance of my Grandma. Luckily Ethan, Alison and Michelle had come out to check on me. I just was so over whelmed and they all hugged me straight away. They were so compassionate, something I had lacked over previous months from people. I had a room full of compassion to the very few I had in Perth. You have no idea the ease of pain and healing you can do when you show this much compassion.I kept saying sorry for crying and reassuring them its okay. I was in shock and I saw it as a positive. I saw she waited to make sure I was in an okay place before leaving me. I really believe that. 

I departed these kind people. I know I have memories to last a life time and ones that can now help me in dark times. I remember the compassion I was shown, and they were well aware of what place I was in previous to that. These people believed in me and what I wanted to do. Alison even said I could take on the world and she had no doubt I would achieve what I wanted to do with all the work I was working towards. It was so nice to be reminded of people like them. It really did help me and I take all I can out of experience such as that one. 

I had to prepare myself to fly home the week after for Grandmas funeral. My Dad had asked if I wanted to speak and it was an absolute honour to speak at her funeral. My family friends and people who have known me since I was younger commended me in my public speaking skills and how I could express how I felt. I remember flying back to Perth and being absolutely devastated I had to come back so soon and be reminded of the shit storm I was in previously. Then being emotionally attached to things and memories of course I had to go through the motions of being reminded of my ex again. I had just been in this open field of Alice Springs with fresh air and where I could clear my mind. Then back in Perth same feeling came again when I was left alone in my own thoughts. Suffocation. I was treated like nothing and had no compassion there from people I thought would give me the most. It was definitely going from a high to a low again in the space of a week. You could imagine if you feel similar how emotionally exhausting this time was for me. 

With the funeral done I came back to Perth to spend time with Jim and see my friends such as Marcia, Kira and others. The friends who really helped me and stuck by me. People who validated me and understood where I was coming from. I still to this day don't understand why I was supposed to see the perspective of people who were constantly hurting me and betraying me. I mean I understood not being able to help me professionally with my BPD. But I never understood the people who would say they were there and as soon as 'Suicide' or anything near the likes of was mentioned they were out of there faster then Usian Bolt. 

I was drinking a bit and we were planning to go to Jack Rabbits. I fucking hate that place with a passion now after the last experience I had there when I discovered the person I loved the most had indeed slept with someone she reassured me there was 'thing' with. So you could say I started to stress drink as I didn't have the time of my life last time I was there. Then someone mentioned that my ex was going to the same venue. I thought 'oh great'. But I was too numb at the time to acknowledge this could be so damaging for me and trigger me. Being the bigger person I just remember I said 'yeah thats cool' when in reality she was the last person I wanted to see. I am sure by then she discovered my Grandma passed away but classic fashion she couldn't show compassion in a time I needed it the most. 

I remember arriving and at this stage I was intoxicated. I was trying to enjoy myself and dance but time had slowed down for me. I guess when you lose someone as important as my Grandma was, you feel empty. It was like I had lost a dear part of myself and now I was scared about what was to come. I understand she was old, but she was such a pillar of strength to me. She made me feel safe, loved and special to her. Feelings I didn't have towards myself for as long as I can remember. So I kind of came back to the present moment, looked up from the flashing lights and every one speaking about me to set eyes on my ex. It was a different feeling then I usually feel when I look at her. When I use to look at her before I found out everything I looked at her with the most care and love. When we saw each other I just felt hurt and pathetic. I guess the immaturity of her friends trying to hide her from me didn't help either. So I started to feel like an object again. That small feeling started again. The belttiling. I remember looking around the group she was with and remembering they were all fucked. All the sudden my old friend who ruined my reputation was in my face trying to distract me. I was polite to her even though sometime I felt like flicking her ears because her presence annoys me that much and the fake persona she presents to people drives me insane because I can see right through it. Anyway I said hi and looked up and she had gone. 

I then went to the bar with a mutual friend of my ex's. I actually met my ex through her. My mutual friend and I have had a rocky friendship since I was heart broken and we began dating my ex and I. Its only reasonable with all different personalities clashing that conflict is had. My mutual friend is very good with me majority of occasions but I feel can be sucked in with the environment of my ex. Anyway we were at the bar then I see my old friend and my ex standing together. I really got infuriated at the time as my ex had seen what this person had put me thorough and how sick it had made me. It destroyed me. But then I thought to myself oh look two people who have hurt me standing at a bar together being the best of friends. I didn't even think I was present enough to even care. 

Then I started getting worked up. No one had really asked about Grandma and I started to feel paranoid due to the environment I am in. These people will view that they didn't do anything wrong. But my ex knows me very well and highly sensitive I am. A time where I should have been respected I was being made out to be an issue again by the hiding, the whispering and the staring me down. I felt like nothing again to these people. Like I yet again was the issue when I hadn't hurt or betrayed anyone. 

I remember I was in the bathroom now. Kira had come with me and my ex and her best friend were standing there washing their hands which they are definitely allowed to do in a public space. But I remember this time with alcohol definitely contributing to it that I was now starting to get worked up. I remember my ex turning to talk to Kira and a sudden rush of impulsive anger came over me. I thought to myself no get fucked, you don't care about me so don't fucking talk to my best friend and I pushed her and her best friend out of the door. Then when I realised what I did I was upset at myself. Kira calmed me down and told me I shouldn't have done that. She was right, I shouldn't of. But I was so angry and sitting on this suppression I had acted it out. 

I decided to leave but before I left I had message my ex's best friend as I was at the point of considering hurting myself again because of my behaviours. I just tried to vocalise how I really feel at the time but instead it was viewed as 'abuse'. Then I went home and tried to go to sleep as I was drunk and in a lot of pain. My ex decided to call me. I stupidly answered and she started to say things I wont repeat to avoid any more hurt. To this day those words have stayed with me and I have self harmed over what she said to me as it hurt that much. I don't think she understood the impact it had and instead of getting a 'sorry' I deserved, it was riddled with her usual monthly round of excuses and lies. 

I left Perth and decided I needed to see a psych over all this pain. I was ready to be better and to move forward in my rollercoaster of a six months I had. I went to my GP at Real Health Care in South Melbourne and I was lead to Estelle. A god send is an understatement for how much she has helped me and the professional bind we have developed over my illness. She has the empathy and compassion for people that every person suffering should have and deserves to have. She challenges my thinking and she mad me realise my sufferings and how to help minimise my ideations in my illness. We also have acknowledged my behaviours and how to fix them. These behaviours weren't being displayed by choice. I can safely walk away from all that experience in Perth and know when it came to it, I really didn't have a choice. I have worked hard to train my brain into mindfulness thinking and I have learnt a lot about self validation and self love. 

I lost a friend on top of this. They say all loss comes in three's- I lost a love, I lost a Grandma and I lost a friend dear to me. I also nearly lost myself with all of that. I guess no one can really understand how hard that all was dealing with as well as all the stuff that what coming up in therapy. Some days I had good days where I could control my illness and excel. Other days I wouldn't leave my room, I would self harm from feeling over whelmed and I would have high urgency of suicide ideations. 

After all this I then discovered the second betrayal of my ex. I have wrote about it. We have talked about it but I still know what you did to me was inexcusable. I am not chasing you up anymore and hovering at your feet to say sorry all the time. You really hurt me and have inflicted a pain that will stay with me for life. Yes, that is how much I fucking loved you and validated you when I got so very little back. 

Its now December. I just celebrated my 27th birthday. I had a low day the other day but I told people about it instead of turning to slash my wrists or acting on the impulse of jumping off my balcony on the tenth floor of my apartment. Some aspects of my life have changed drastically to this point in time, some have improved majorly and some things when I think about it still tear me apart. I still carry the pain that came with the heart ache but the thing I did best was get the help I needed. I somehow fought myself out of that air tight container to survive everything that happened to me. 

This is my story, this is my illness and this is very real to me. These are my truths, truths that only matter to me and anyone else who knows me. I can't live my life blocking out the pain that was caused and the pain I have endured. I want to thank each and every person who helped me this year achieve my goals and most importantly the compassion you gave me. It is what helped me survive in the most chaotic storm I have ever experienced.