Monday, 28 November 2016

To not have your suffering recognized is an almost unbearable form of violence




'You have BPD, But you aren't BPD' is what someone said to me this year that has stayed with me. This isnt even from a close friend of mine, this was from someone who has discriminated against my illness and never really understood. It may have been the only thing I have ever agreed when it came to her morals and views. It is true, I am not my illness. So why was it so difficult for people to separate me from when I am mentally ill? Why couldn't they see warning signs to when I was about to relapse? Especially those who are close to me. They are all the sudden surprised when I am in hospital again or I have had a self harming episode. They were defining me by my illness, not the person who I am. 

What upset me the most this year is not having my vocalisation of my illness acknowledged for what it really is. I was told I masked a lot of my illness so as soon as I revealed what was under that mask people shunned me. People didn't want to understand and turned an ignorant eye to what was really going on for me. I know one person especially close to me saw everything for what my illness is and still followed everyone else's point of view about me instead of saying 'no hang on, I have seen it for what it is and I want to understand what is happening better'. All I got was messages of 'I don't know what to do' and "I don't know how to help you' after I have given speeches, shared videos, wrote blogs and said directly what was going on with my mind. The excuses from others became frequent and I accepted that treatment instead of saying 'No, what you are doing to me isn't fair and you have forgotten who I am, but instead you focus on my behaviours when I am ill'. 

I understand we live in a backwards society. Especially Australian culture. Everyone is all like 'free love! We don't discriminate! We aren't racist!' and as soon as some Australians or people living here are present with hard facts about Suicide, Race and Discrimination they do the ignorant blind eye "Ah well, it's not impacting me so why should I care' and will go about their day doing their mundane things instead of looking out for someone in need. People I know are very privileged and present themselves as 'Nice guys' but as soon as it comes to push and shove they are out of the door faster then lightening. 

Why preach freedom of speech when you get constantly shut down? I understand difference of opinions. Not when there is science involved. Not when there is a health system with facts, diagnosis and symptoms to a mental illness. People are quick to accept mental illness but as soon as you are ill they tell you to 'snap out of it', 'It can't be that bad,' 'People have it worse than you' and 'if your suicide ideation is that bad just go to hospital'. What people don't realise is its not that simple. Yes we can go to hospital but with fear of no beds, medications, doctors not doing as much as they could and nurses ingraining your needs. The system can be flawed. Everyone is shocked when suicides happen but everything is RIGHT in front of people's faces. Why is it so difficult to help someone who really needs it the most. I understand mentally ill can behave erratically, I know I sure have. But I have also spent y time and energy educating people around me to make it easier for everyone. I have given people options of help and unfortunately they didn't care enough to want to understand or change their opinions of my illness. So they go about living still labelling me attention seeking, crazy, psychotic and manipulating. They go off my behaviours, not the person I really am. 

So yes you are right. I am not BPD. I am a human being who deserves to be validated when suicidal and mentally ill. My perspective has abled me to grow. Your ignorance has helped me realise that its easier to bite my tongue then waste energy trying to enlighten a small mind. 



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