Tuesday, 1 November 2016

If it happened to you, you would of hurt too

I remember it was today last year. I had gone home 'sick' from work. It had been a couple of weeks you had broken up with me when I was in hospital. You gave me your reasons, I was convinced that were valid. You said I was in a 'safe space' and that you tend to 'say what people want to hear'. I was in a psychosis the night before. Me banging and hitting myself was too confronting for you. I was suffering post traumatic stress which you had said you understood and wanted to help with. I was having flashbacks of sexual abuse and you said you wanted to know. You wanted me to tell you what was going on in my mind. 

I remember you were at Melbourne Cup with your work. I laid in bed googling ways to self harm without it causing severe pain. We were fighting on and off all day long. You said if we both worked on ourselves we could be 'something really amazing'. That we would be amazing together if we were both in the right mind frames. I didn't tell you of my self harming episode that day. Because you reached out to me that day. You had said something very scary in your drunken state of mind. 

It started to reach 5 in the afternoon and you were explaining how some of your work friends had hurt themselves. From memory, fell over in a drunken state. I wasn't concerned about them though, my main concern was you. You were reaching out to me but were also quite hesitant when I kept offering for me to get an uber to you straight away when you got home. After going back and fourth you told me to come over. This was the start of many times you use to sneak me in to your room as you were ashamed of me. You didn't want your housemates knowing I was there to avoid 'drama'. 

I quietly opened the door to your room. You had all the lights off and you were half asleep. I gently woke you up to make sure you were okay. You started to cry. You were heavily intoxicated and all I wanted to do was hold you. Make sure you were okay after what you told me in the afternoon. You cried and said no one asked you if you have been okay. Only one friend had but everyone else you were around hadn't checked in at all. You turned and cried and hugged me. You started to kiss me. I could taste the day drunk on your lips. I started to kiss you back. The hurt you had caused me went out of the window. My concern at that stage in time was your health over my own. That is how selfless I was when it came to you even though you told me I was selfish. The selfish thing would of been ignoring you all day. The thing you deserved after breaking up with me in my time of need was to never talk to you again. 

I know I said things out of pure anger, hurt and frustration I didn't mean. The amount of times I told you not to come to my funeral along with your best friend, that I hated you, that no one had hurt me this way. I know you think it was just out of the blue anger. Why can't you see I was reacting to you time and time again leaving me in the dark? That I loved you and I would of done absolutely anything for you like I displayed countless times. You did things for me too. But I needed that loyalty from you. I needed you in those times I was so scared. I felt very alone. I don't blame you, I blame you for not being able to understand how hurt I was. 

I picture you with her now. Not by choice, but just out of curiosity. Wondering if she touched you like I did. How she knew all your spots where I know you started to feel something. If she kissed you as intensely as I did. Its not something I enjoy thinking, but it does cross my mind. I know you wouldn't of thought about the consequences much, but I did. It hurts me. It makes me still feel sick and confused as I thought I was different. I thought I wasn't just someone you added to your hit list. 

You yet again convinced me that it was okay and it was a 'one off'. That you don't talk. All the same things you use to say to me after the first time this situation rose. I understand you are entitled to do what you want. You justified it by saying it should of happened so I could finally move on. I had moved on. I was just sorting through the first time it happened. What you don't seem to comprehend that if this was the other way around and you felt what I felt, you would of felt the amount of pain, anger and despair that comes with loving someone. But I forget you are a temporary person who isn't capable of loving someone wholly. You always told me you would never be on my level when it came to the way I loved you. How very correct you were.