Sunday, 20 November 2016

Fine. The next time that my life is destroyed, I'll try to express my distress in a quieter fashion

Its been a year this week since I was hospitalised for one of my most dangerous and scary psychosis's to date. I always self reflect as someone who has BPD does a lot. I have learnt to cope with my thoughts a lot better then I was in previous situations. I now have accepted at the time emotionally that was all I was capable of doing when I was grieving a loss of a meaningful relationship, my grandmas death and my friends passing. The stress of working also came in to that factor. I was attending work but couldn't perform to the best of my ability as I was severely ill and in a dark place. I was quite vocal about my suicide ideation but not as vocal as I should have been. I refused to accept the responsibility of some of my reactions to being hurt and I was blaming a lot of other people for the crippling pain I was in. I now know even though one person in particular was hurting me consistently that I cannot hold her accountable for all the behaviours I showed when I was reacting to pain. 

There is no pretending my life wasn't destroyed when I was broken up with around this time last year in hospital. There was so much that had happened and now looking back I have taken responsibility for my reactions but I feel the other person involved has not noticed how damaging that was to me. I was stunned and still stunned to this day to know someone I believed genuinely cared about me could dump me over a text message in hospital. My anxiety had heightened due to the post traumatic stress which resulted in me being on anti anxiety medications. I understand she felt like she couldn't provide that help but the hurt caused by that was inexcusable. Instead of her taking a step back and realising there was a lot of other ways to be helpful she removed herself from the situation as she thought that was best for me. I saw this as a cop out and I had no say in what I know was best for me. She didn't want to change or take out her time to care or help me through one of the hardest stages of my life. This then sent me spiralling and the behaviours I displayed were hurting me more. I was constantly lashing out as I was confused, in a great amount of despair and the betrayal was over whelming. I didn't have the help I have now and I know maybe if I had someone like Estelle in Perth things could of been dealt with a lot better on my behalf. 

I wish I didn't have the impulsive nature that I do that comes with this illness to have used mindfulness in the hell of the six months I had before I moved over here. The hundred times I called you that night in my psychosis is something I am responsible for. You didn't make me call you. I know that was the unhealthy attachment I had with you is what drove me to thinking that behaviour was acceptable regardless if I had BPD or not. I know you convinced me I should respect your space but you yet again left me alone like you did around this time last year. The pattern was repetitive on your behalf. You were helping me and I appreciated that. Just don't reassure someone you are there if its half heartedly. 

Apparently when someone hurts you deeply you just have to sit quietly, locked up in a room and protect their reputation. There was no way after the betrayals were repetitive that I could keep excusing your behaviours. Some of the things you have inflicted on to me are inexcusable. I use to be able to excuse them and see a perspective but nothing you told me to this day was honest. If everything you reassure me, promised me was 'honest' you would have made sure you apologise profoundly for what you caused and would have taken responsibility for your behaviours. I took the step to really work hard to make sure I could change my behaviours I know have hurt you in the past. I took this step as I meant everything I said. I was loyal, loving and caring. As soon as I regained control of my illness I did come to a realisation I did cross lines with you and back then if I had the skills I had now maybe I wouldn't have pushed you away. In saying that in the end I don't think you were there for me anyway so regardless if I did have those skills or not I am not responsible for your dishonesty, for the betrayal, insecurities and for you to care about what people think. That is why half of your behaviours were displayed and that isn't a reflection of my mental illness, that is a reflection of you. 

To this day I have lost sleep over the last time I saw you when I was home for my Grandma's funeral. I was wondering if you would have had the decency after everything we have been through to send me a message sending your condolences but I forgot how much pride you have. You say that contacting me would have been the 'wrong' thing to do. I tell you what was wrong and inexcusable; was the behaviour I received instead of the one I deserved. I pushed you out of the toilet door because I couldn't stand to watch you waltz around with someone who really hurt me who you ending up sleeping with anyway. The way you were staring me down and having this disgusted look on your face at me. Instead I received the most powerful and hurtful words from someone I really loved and valued. You made me feel like nothing when you called me and yet again you said I drove you to do it. I didn't do anything to deserve that and yet again, what you displayed was inexcusable. 

I think the biggest thing I have showed you is I now am aware my behaviour wasn't okay at times. Being in love with you I justified it by saying you hurt me so Ill do that in reactions. Reactions I couldn't control at the time. I never thought I could do this much work and now things could of been more simple. I am not sorry for the pain you caused but I apologise to myself for the way I acted as it wasn't you who it was impacting the most, it was me. 

There is no more biting my tongue. The distress your behaviours caused me and your dishonesty is visible. Anyone could have seen the pain I was put in. I know it wasn't my illness that drove me there but it was the dishonesty and lack of depth I was holding on to. I look at you now and you aren't the person I thought you were. You let me down hugely and the pain is still there. I just have found healthier ways to deal with it. I hope in time you can pin point exactly the way you hurt me but I wont hold my breath as I know the hope I held on to from you caused me to nearly drown and you weren't there to reach out to. 

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