Tuesday, 1 November 2016

cntrl alt dlt

I often wonder how I would have dealt with break ups/falling outs if we didn't have access to technology. Would it of benefited me more if I had the good ol' clean break method or the constant anxiety of sitting on suppressed feelings and not knowing how to communicate how I was feeling to said person? Where I would be left in psychotic episodes without any explanation or the person having enough respect for me to come over and end things like a mature adult? That it was just the better option to block/delete/re add/then block/block again/call/maybe they will answer/they answered/block again method. 

I had past thoughts dwell on me today at work. I was busy, but not busy enough to not feel ashamed of my past behaviour. Even though my ex partner betrayed me, was it a reflection of my character how I dealt with it or was it my BPD getting the better of me? Was it the over whelming love and attachment I had towards her slowly eating me up or was it the regret and anger of the betrayal making me project my behaviour on to her in an unruly manner? As you can see the confusions and conflicts of my behaviours were a huge part in how mentally ill I was. Was it her fault she was making me feel so little and low of myself because of the constant betrayal or was it because I hadn't processed or learnt the skills to survive when my trust was so betrayed? 

I think all these things played a huge part in it. If I had it my way, I would of wanted her to show me for once that she had the bravery of confronting the issues surrounding our relationship instead of convincing me she could handle it and everything was fine. I understand the amount of pressure that comes with helping someone who was as suicidal as me, but I trusted her. I believed a hundred per cent out of everyone we had the strongest connection and bond I have ever had. This was proven very wrong on my behalf in recent events. 

I know how it feels to block things out emotionally as I spent majority of my life doing so. But in this case I do believe it was different. i don't blame her for me trying to contact her and express how hurt I was on every social media platform known to man (twitter didn't make the cut), but I blame the impulsive behaviour I couldn't control that came with my BPD. The dangers of social media were very clear. All I wanted at the end of the day was some closure, something to seem 'real' in the things she said and did during our time together. 

I now have learnt how to sit on my pain and mindfully process it. I have been in situations recently that would of made me lash out, confused and dwell. If someone shows me that they don't have my best interests and they don't respect me on a mutual basis, I can remove myself from the situation. Doesn't mean I don't care, I just care more about my well being and the people who do want the best for me. The people who do really care. 

I think we live in a sad generation where to deal with the conflicting issues you have with others is to 'block' it out. Pretend they don't exist. Even though I have certain people blocked, in reality the issues I still have with them are there. If I had it my way, I would do the old fashion talk it out and try work on it. But I can't have my way all the time and as I have to do with a lot of things in my life, I have to accept thats the way it is in a virtual society. 

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