Monday, 28 November 2016

Appearances are deceptive and behaviors reflective

I take full responsibility for the way I reacted this year towards my break up. This isn't me giving you a 'get out of jail' free card, what you did was inexcusable. I couldn't control the way you acted towards me, but the greatest thing I have ever done is acknowledge my own doing in the reaction side to your hurtful behaviours. 

There are certain things I am not proud of and I know it came down to not being able to control how I reacted at the time. I was mentally impaired, didn't have the resources I have now to be able to cope at the time and I was allowing hurtful behaviours when realistically I should have cut the people out who were hurting me the first time around. Instead I held on to the hope, the lies and put people's feelings above my own.

These behaviours I displayed were classic symptoms of my Borderline. But it makes me wonder if I had a brain tumour and my ex was doing the same things to me, would have the people around her viewed her as an apathetic person because she didn't have the heart to look after my needs when I was ill with the tumour? If last year I had to go to emergency for the brain tumour instead of the post traumatic stress psychosis episode which one would have had more sympathy? I know hands down which one would have had more sympathy and because society views cancer as a horrible thing they wouldn't wish upon anyone (which it is) how is suicide ideation and my mental illness any different? How come if I had cancer I wouldn't have been shut out but because I have borderline and I was displaying these behaviours when put in pain constantly by this one person it was any different? It shouldn't have been. But then again we come back to stigma created around having a mental illness. Because society has grown up to view it as' wrong' to have an illness such as a mental illness people don't have empathy as they think it's a choice in behaviour. Because cancer has psychical symptoms that they don't have a choice. When it comes down to the mentally ill, they don't have a choice either.

I had a choice to get help though. I had a choice to want to beat my illness as I knew the repercussions my reactions where having on me as well as the people who care for me. So for example if I had the help I do now, I know the night I called my ex 80 times was wrong as I wasn't acknowledging the consequence at the time. Now I understand why I was calling. She doesn't have to understand it, but I do. Instead of acknowledging how upset I should be that she left me in that state again, I impulsively wanted the pain to stop and I thought by talking to her that it would minimise it, which it could have. But due to not having co operation and lack of communication on her behalf, I reacted on impulse instead of being mindful. Instead of being in the present moment I instead was thinking about suicide and how she didn't care (black and white thinking) and started devaluing her. Which in all fairness was valid after being left in the dark far too many times, being too forgiving and allowing her to continually hurt me at my expense. I shouldn't have had to understand her behaviours as her behaviours came across continuous, there was no change displayed like she said she wanted to in order to be better for me. I still to this day wait for the change. That doesn't mean I didn't love her for her because I did. But if anyone views betrayal of trusts, especially given the vulnerability of my situation as 'okay' then that is where I draw a line. I was reassured and made to believe this trust, that wasn't something I pressured her into.

All I know is I have become better. Not better for her or anyone else, but for me. To be able to cope and survive life. To be able to understand people are apathetic and don't view things in my moral viewings. My behaviours don't represent me or my character when I was countlessly shown by someone how very little care they had of me. The only thing I did was get help and become a better person by changing my behaviours in conflicting situations such as the ones I was placed in six months ago.