Saturday, 8 October 2016

Your words still haunt me


Relationships to me have always been so foreign. Why were we placed on earth to end up with just one person and let them in to see enough of what they probably will end up despising? I tend to fall in love easily with any glimpse of beautiful moments and kindness. Any small signs of empathy and compassion will single out any bad trait my partner may end up having. I live life seeing the best in people even though some people can never see that in me. 

There are right ways and wrong ways to go about things. I've never been a 'forever' girl. My parents break down in relationship showed me the reality of relationships and how harrowingly painful they can end. I saw my mum break and have to pick up pieces my Father left her in after he betrayed her. I said to myself the day I saw her at her worst that I am so scared of that happening to me. And it's hard to know that it wouldn't happen when you are suppose to trust your parents. 

The whispers of 'trust me' and 'you can trust me' tear me apart to this day. Sometimes when I am trying to sleep at night I psychically ache for you but I know it's so wrong as you probably sleep soundly knowing you don't have to deal with my burden anymore or be held responsible for the amounts of pain you saw me in. 

You may think you have done the best thing for me by not even reaching out or contacting me. But you doing that shows me how much of a coward you are. The way you left me in states of psychosis and the words you threw at me broke me. You made a mess of my logical mind and my heart struggles to draw away from the love I have for you.

Did any of my behaviours from my illness impact you like this? Make you have sleepless nights where you have to fight urges to hurt yourself and not end your life? Do you have constant anxiety of me meeting someone and being open with them because no one knows the truth of the relationship? How you can sit there knowing you lied so much and that all you had to do was apologise and show that you cared? What would you be thinking now to this day if I had lost my life to my illness? Would you regret not apologising sincerely? Or do you just view this as 'manipulation' when I say it how it really is?

This isn't all the time for me now. I have learnt to live with the pain caused by you. But the thing that infuriates me the most is the love and care I still have for someone who made me feel like nothing to them. It's not a easy way to live. 

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