Sunday, 9 October 2016

You should probably put the apology before the excuse

Picture: Michael Lipsey 

It doesn't take a human straight out to realise how bad their actions can impact someone very badly. I have constantly spent my entire life apologising. I am a walking 'sorry' as some people have put it. So apologising to me comes naturally. What I have difficulty of grasping is how it is so hard for some people to own up to their own mistakes and how they refuse to say sorry in the worst of circumstances.

Its never too late to apologise in my opinion. I know some people by then have made their own closure and have moved on. Being a deep thinker and self checking every day, apologising to someone is important to me. Not everyone is perfect and often people make horrendous mistakes. I think mistakes people can come back from if they work hard enough and acknowledge why it hurt in the first place.

So imagine if someone kept displaying this hurtful behaviour towards you and blamed you for the reason they 'snapped' and blamed you for your illness making them 'ill'. They display this horrible  behaviours towards you consistently and you forgive them each time even though they have not acknowledged the damage or the root of the problem that their behaviour causes. They blame you because you wanted closure, they blame their parents splitting (parents are still together), stresses at work and they blame you on a whole even though they initially hurt you at the start.

A sincere, meaningful and respectful apology is not forced and comes naturally. When you care about a person this is when you receive an apology such as this one. If you dont care for said person and care more about yourself, you will receive an apology riddled with excuses, blame and disrespect. You will have to force a person to apologise. An insincere apology is worse than no apology at all.

The insight I am trying to deliver here is when someone with BPD is attached to something, they will accept this behaviour from the person who is constantly turning situations on to the person who is suffering. Recently I found out my ex had bought the break down of the relationship to us both being in the wrong. I do agree, I was wrong in many situations. But the difference between us is I always delivered sincere apologies, not like the ones she delivered to me. Mine were not tainted with manipulation or blame. I acknowledged the hurt my actions could have caused and worked hard to make sure that didn't happen again. Instead of her showing me that respect and care, her behaviours were repetitive and always came with an excuse afterwards_ "Im not ready" "I was lonely" "You were in hospital so I knew it was a safe place" "My parents are breaking up" "You pushed me mentally and emotionally". Not at any time has she said "I am sorry for hurting you Carissa and I will try my very hardest to keep you in my life and do better".

I speak up about this as I have to keep myself from hurting myself every day as I felt brain washed into thinking it was my fault and my illness had drove her to behave in such a manner. My illness didnt drive her to do these things and I know she can control these behaviours. She once tried to relate her lowest behavioural point towards me as it being similar to BPD. At the time I accpeted that excuse. Today I sit here and I know if she begun to know how it felt to even have any symptoms of BPD she would sincerely be sorry for everything she has done towards me.

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