Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Tug-O-War



The way people react to pain makes sense to me, even though my reactions to pain don't make sense to others. I feel like I am constantly justifying my behaviours to others around me instead of being understood and accepting of myself. For once I wish someone would just validate the way I feel instead of having to find a reason for why I act the way I act. I then will explain to them what I am feeling and they wont think its valid. They will tell me to 'let it go' and 'get over it'. 

I remember last year I was feeling quite anxious in a situation. Some words were said to me and a sudden rush of pain surfaced and I felt like I crumbled on the spot. I was told I am 'so sensitive' and then I made the person angry about how I react. I wish instead of them judging me they could understand they heightened response at the time and said 'are you okay' instead of slamming me for reacting the way I did. I would of spoke through it but then the pain started to hurt more because I just had to sit there on it. 

Then when I start to feel like I am feeling overly sensitive I get angry at myself for feeling that way. The emotional tug of war is extremely draining for myself and probably for who ever is involved with me. This happens a lot in relationships due to abandonment issues. For example majority of last years relationship I felt so intensely for that person that there was a huge emotional fight happening with in me. I tried to be as vocal about it as possible but I was also very restricted as my girlfriend at the time didn't do 'feelings'. Some things I was angry at myself for because I cared so much and then people would tell me to 'stop caring'. I can't just stop caring and I have all the care for anyone. That empathy can be both a blessing and a curse. 

There was one day I felt really low and I rang my girlfriend at the time and questioned why she was with me. I was crying a lot on the phone and I just hung up. At this point of the relationship we were working quite well. This frustrated her and noticing her frustrated made me more angry at myself. My insecurity had got the best of me in that moment and that caused me to have an depressive episode for a few hours. She probably viewed it as me picking a fight for no reason but the fight I was picking was within myself. 

I think anyone can have wars with their emotions. I guess what we struggle with is controlling those emotions and trying to not let them dictate our behaviours. It takes a lot of self work. 



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