I wish I could go back to this moment with my sisters. When I am extremely down I always look at this picture because I look happy and I look normal. Like a happy kid with her sisters and I didn't have to worry about anything or anyone really. I guess when you are younger you aren't really aware of what is going on. I know I wasn't until the memories came back to haunt me when I was old enough to start remembering. I remember the pain and suffering I had blocked out and it started to surface in behaviours I started to display.
Everyone tries to write all mysterious and arty these days and that is not what Im about. I am a straight to the point, this is how it is and what can I learn from it type person. What can I experience from it and will it make me learn undiscovered things about myself. I can't romanticise a mental illness. There is nothing pretty or poetic about it really. I know I can explain the horrors, the extreme lows, the despair, anguish and chronic pain that is felt by people all over the world. All I can do is keep speaking so others can work up the courage as well.
People play 'victim' to other people's suffering. Majority of the people I have met with BPD are kind, gentle, polite, considerate and welcoming as they know how to be an out cast of all those things when they are ill. Someone to write about their experiences are warranted when it comes to being with someone who has BPD/A mental illness. But this is the many misunderstanding that comes with an illness. The person you are with focuses so much on the negatives of the behaviour that they always think you chose to behave that way and that you chose to be explosive/angry. This is never the case.
The articles and books that explain BPD make sense to anyone who understands it or has tried their best to educate themselves on it. Everyone is all for you when you are posting positive aspects of mental illness but hit them with the hard facts they are like how dare you speak about something so raw and honest because now I don't know what to do and its made me think twice about things. Thats what everyone who suffers needs to do to be able to break the barrier around the stigma. To say Im feeling like this and for the person on the receiving end to be like 'okay that is valid how can I help you' rather then be like 'sorry I can't help you and I need to have a day to myself'. It can be simple when people are more aware of the reason why the mentally ill are in pain rather than go off the way they are acting.
Self care is vital to anyone who wants to help someone suffering. There is ways to go about things. Don't act as if you were harassed and hassled for the sake of being harassed and hassled. Humans react on emotions most of the time instead of logical. I have said this before and I will say it again- A suicidal mind isn't a logical mind and it is extremely hard to make any sense of them during that time. But you have to remember its not about you, its them doing anything they can to survive in that moment. Its not as black and white as you think it is. And it definitely isnt a choice in behaviour.
I questioned myself a lot recently. I was finding peace and I was at ease. I know I am not an emotionally abusive monster who set out to tear someone down who hurt me. I just wanted them to learn about how much their actions impacted people and I was not going to sit back and keep slapping their wrists and accepting the hurt that was caused. I wanted to find ways to work it out because of the care and love I had. I think that is reasonable.
I am not a monster. Your misunderstandings may view me as one.