Thursday, 27 October 2016

Taking ownership

In therapy yesterday I was discussing how I reacted to the blog post that was posted about me recently. I was reflecting on how it was for my ex partner and from her perspective. I didn't show Estelle the post but I explained what I had read. She asked how I felt about it and at the time I said I was angry and frustrated, but had calmed down once I spoke to her about it. She made a good point how the blog post was still taking no ownership to the hurt that was caused by her. It was only really focusing on my behaviours when I was hurt, rather then explaining the actions leading up to it. 

When I read the post I started to doubt myself again and I nearly took on the responsibility roll. I think it would of been more constructive for her to pin point what she did wrong leading up to those events but I think that is still going to take some time for her. She maybe will never reach that point in time. All I know is I have reached that point where I am working on myself very hard to take ownership of my behaviours and emotions regardless if she triggered them or not. I know I couldn't control the pain and reactions at the time but I removed myself from that situation so I could get a better understanding and so I can work on the areas that need working on. I just don't see a change on her side. 

I was upset that some people supported the post. I don't really have our mutual friends sharing my posts as they probably view them as 'wrong'. This is where the emotional intelligence and education is lacked. I do understand how she would be feeling, but she has never been able to relate back to the pain I was feeling. I spent so much time and energy trying to show people that. It was exhausting and people still to this day just think I aimlessly tried to make someones life a living hell when all I did was love the person. 

Some days I struggle with it. I sit on anger and frustration that people can isolate me like that and treat me the way I have been treated just because I suffer. Then they say 'everyone suffers' or 'people have it worse'. I get that, but it still doesn't mean what she did to me was okay or hurt any less. I was just over the grieving process and now I am right back on that grief horse again.