Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Swimming in a sea full of people who don't understand

Books, writings, articles, wikipedia, the mighty, ted talks, news, statistics, Suicide Prevention website, Suicide foundations, hospitals, fact sheets and we still have people in society who refuse to acknowledge what mental illness is and what it is actually like to live with. 

I have people who know me (only some) who claim to know me and are close to me who still turn a blind eye to the facts about Borderline. The facts, the statistics, how crippling it is. They say I use it as an 'excuse' to not cope with things and to justify my reactions. It isn't an excuse its actually what I experience? I feel like punching someone when they say hate it when people use mental illness as an excuse. 

I know people who suffer understand and I don't have to explain the crippling pain. The chronic emptiness you carry around with you. The anxiety that comes with building a close relationship with someone and being openly vulnerable. The way you sit in your room in frustration trying not to hurt yourself in any way possible because everything seems like a hazard to you. Sitting their watching people make fun of you when you try open up. Everyone saying you want people to pit you for opening up. Playing 'victim', wanting people to feel 'sorry' for you. Stigma. The stigma can kill. 

People only want to happy. We live in such a happy driven world that as soon as you aren't okay people let you sink with the ship. They say okay I am out as soon as you voice up and say how you really feel. The realist of people have to suffer why the superficial get to be so highly regarded and admired. We live in such a backwards world. A world where money, power, status and people liking you is more important then loving someone and being loyal to them. Being a blunt, cold bitch is more appropriate and cooler then being an empathetic and genuine person. People would rather listen to the drama that comes with who is sleeping with who then worrying about the person who has to feel it all in the background, the one who carries the superficial and fake person's burden. The one who can see things for what they really are. 

"I understand Borderline more than you realise' is a quote that came directly from someone who I use to waste all my good traits on. Really? You understand ? You understand that ten per cent of the suicide rates are BPD even though you view my attempts as attention seeking and manipulative?? That BPD is the most stigmatised disorder? The one that is rising in diagnosis? Do you understand that because I am highly sensitive I react to painful situations? Situations that anyone who has a good heart would be upset in? Do you get that I can't help feeling how I feel? That I need a safety net around me to keep stable every day of my life because living can be that dangerous? That I don't hide behind my illness and play the BPD card because that is something that can kill me? Do you understand that or not? Did you understand that each time your friends put me down it was rubbing salt in a wound? That I am strong enough to handle it but it doesn't excuse the treatment I received from you? That a genuine sorry (not that I want one now) at the time would of put some closure on the whole situation and let me deal with all the other pain that you knew I carried in my life? 

I write and I speak so openly about this because I want people to understand what it is like for not just me but for so many other people you may know. I know I can't get everyone to understand and be open to it. But the information and facts are right in front of you. Stop ignoring it. 

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