Saturday, 15 October 2016

My self harm is frequent, doesn't mean it it should be ignored

I have spent majority of my time in my room since Thursday. I spent my night in emergency on Friday after attempting to hang myself. I still feel the emotional pain and despair. I had reached a point where I accepted what had happened and I was starting to address the stuff with my family and the abuse I had suffered since I was little. I had dealt with the present stuff and I felt like I didn't feel the need to talk to my ex again or even expect an apology from her. I felt at ease for once and the agonising feeling of pain had slowly left me. 

Everyone loved me again. I was finally back to myself. People enjoyed my company. They came to me for advice and were thankful I could give them help like I use to. But now I am back again to the place I was three months ago and they yet again ignore it. They can't handle this when I need them to understand the most. Not everyone reacts like this, but majority of people do. 

"You were! Remember it doesn't have to undo all the progress you've done!"

"I guess you just have to be the bigger person and move on. Let her be immature and selfish"

"They weren't thinking of anyone except themselves"

"There's not going to be a funeral okay, you'll get through it. I know how strong you are"

"Exactly, its pointless wasting your time on them. Focus on you fro a while, you are very important and we don't want to lose you! Ever"

"But you can't change what she did"

"That is a very selfish and deliberate thing they've done. And they both would know what that would do to you, and didn't take it into account'. 

These are messages from my support network I have received over the last few days. I have been flooded with messages from people knowing I tried to take my own life. And how I am feeling? I feel ungrateful. I feel frustrated that all theses genuinely nice people are trying to help me and I just can't seem to process what they are saying. I wish I could stop hurting myself. I wish i wasn't on suicide watch. I wish I could function properly. I wish that this person didnt impact me at all. I gave my all into that relationship and I still have no respect or remorse from her. Its not fair how little she makes me feel. Her actions are what shows me she doesn't care. 

The right thing to do is for her to apologise. But I can't wait around for that anymore. I just reached a point where I knew I wasn't going to receive one. Now this, she has done this knowing all this would of happened and I can't wrap my head around it. I am hurting myself mainly as a punishment for being so stupid to love someone who didn't love me back. I sit here self mutilating because I am frustrated at myself for caring about her still so much when she just doesn't care about me. 

You don't need people to look out for you. You did this knowing I would hurt myself. Why can't you see I may lose my life over this? That it takes a lot of self work for me to keep stable and you just had to selfishly shake that up again? Congratulations, you yet again got the reaction you wanted. Don't you dare tell people you didn't know what would happen and you are entitled to do as you please. I don't even know where to go from here now. And the sad thing is I think I may lose myself to the pain. This is what is the most scariest thing to me right now. Just because I am strong doesn't justify what you did to me. 

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