Wednesday, 5 October 2016

My illness isn't something I 'choose' to have


It's the 20th of November and I wake up in the cold room of emergency short stay at Fiona Stanley. I'm 10 days off my 26th birthday reflecting on my life and how exhausting and painful it has been. Not all of it has, but majority of the feeling I feel is a great amount of despair. I look over to the drip in my arm and the nurse comes in my room to remind me she's doing my ops in 10 mins. I ask if I can go for a walk but she said I'm allowed to unless I'm accompanied or supervised. 

This is just many of the hospitals visits I have had in the space of 10 years. Friends use to be so concerned but over the years they become use to it. I don't tell my family the full extent of my stays anymore as I just get a phone call and not much understanding. I get attacked for having no income and therapy works but you also take a very long time to build a good relationship with a psychologist. 

Some people view my illness as a choice in behaviour. That I choose to have a psychosis that leads to a hospital admission, that I choose to self harm, that I choose to erupt with rage each time I get hurt, that I choose to be so down when a relationship breaks down. All these behaviours are viewed as a 'choice' or 'attention'. 

Do you possibly think or have consider that is far from the truth? That when someone knowingly hurts me I react and lash out because they built up a trust with me? That every time someone puts me down I already view myself as that so when someone else says it it makes me feel ten times more hopeless? That when someone hits me it makes me feel sick to the stomach as I have been hit more times then I can remember? 

Do you think if I could choose between having a personality disorder as debilitating as BPD and living a life where I feel calm and at ease, I would choose BPD? If I had a choice where I could wake up without self harming urges and suicide ideation? That you have to realise it isn't all in my head, I actually genuinely feel like that majority of my life? Where I didn't experience psychosis which is the scariest thing in the world? 

Illness isn't a choice. Illness is an illness. 

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