Thursday, 20 October 2016
My black & white thinking patterns got the best of me
Today I read something that was hard to swallow. Not the fact that the opinions weren't valid and the points that were raised were fair. I guess when someone knows you so well and they expose that part of you that you try to keep so well hidden, it can deeply inflict on you and make you question your worth. I responded in a way I shouldn't of and I will accept and respect that point of view. Because reading that today has given me closure and I now can realise people aren't as black and white as my brain makes me think they are.
This whole time I thought someone who I loved maliciously set out to attack me. That was me assuming because of the lack of communication and the actions being provided. I in no way agree with how things were handled and what has happened, but something really resonated with me today. For so long I blamed the behaviour of her for the reason I was suicidal and self harming but this wasn't the case- It was the way I viewed situations with 'good' and 'bad'.
Some things that happened, the pain that is caused cuts very deep and the despair still comes out when I allow myself to feel that way. But when I finally took in her point of view and what she was saying, I finally can see what I could of done better. Given some circumstances i could not control the behaviour, but I can now acknowledge that my thinking is what was getting me into those dangerous situations rather then the outcomes of situations that happened with my ex.
I use to think she didn't want to be there for me, that she was going gout of her way to hurt me and that she was this bad person with no intentions of being good. I guess its more a mix of all the colours rather then the black and white that is pictured in my head.
I will say she did all she could of done and I accept she was hurting as much as me. I guess where I am coming from is solutions to mental illness and BPD is so simple. I think after reading what she said she did have my best intentions but she was out of her depth and she couldn't handle me hurting myself so often.
I will defend myself in knowing all I did in that relationship is want normality. I think both of our issues collided and as heart breaking as it is it just wasn't meant to be. Doesn't mean I don't love and care about her and I write to help me, like I should of acknowledged today that she wrote to help herself too. I was quick to retaliate without seeing the good in the post, rather thinking it was a negative attack on BPD.
I am still in a frail mind frame and my head is all over the place. I think what impacts my thinking is all the unanswered questions and why she didn't think as highly of me as I did to her. We spoke about it now and I think I can finally put this to rest and focus on the core of my issues that stem from BPD, rather then the actions we both couldn't control at the time.