Sunday, 2 October 2016

Logic Vs Emotion- BPD Awareness week entry 2


Logic. It's quite easy to think in your head what the right thing to do is. Logically, if you are being abused it is simple to just walk away. People always question the victim as to why they don't remove themselves from the situation if it's hurting you that much? And if you don't remove yourself, then your intelligence is questioned.

Feelings though is something that can cloud logic. That's how a borderline lives. Always acting on the emotional feeling rather then the logic they know is implanted in their brain. We are emotionally highly intelligent. A lot of humans act on emotions rather then logically. So someone who has this disorder finds it extremely difficult to rationalise the logical thinking. So while many people have experienced this, we experience this on the daily. Our brains are so active in thinking and processing. It's very exhausting trying to rationalise logic vs the emotions we feel. 

Because our feelings are so hiegthened and we are drawn to what ever was missing in our childhood (my main ones being neglect, being validated and allowing to show my feelings without them being disregarded), we tend to enter relationships where we still recieve these missing links and accept it as the love we deserve because that is all we are use to. Then when small gestures of love and appreciation are shown towards us we attach ourselves to those rare moments as we think that's what we deserve. Too much love and kindness makes us shut off and we lose our self identity when those gestures are shown. Because growing up that's all we knew from when we remembered. That we weren't allowed to be ourselves, that we were too sensitive and we seemed to surround ourselves with people who would always view our behaviour rather then the emotions we experienced. 

Someone suffering an illness as disabling as this will try their very best and it still won't be good enough for someone because they can psychically view your self harming behaviours and the over the top crying episodes but never the pain that is surfacing. You express the pain by hurting yourself but then that is viewed as attention seeking and manipulating, to make you feel bad. 

Borderlines long for people who are compassionate. Even if they can't feel the pain that they are feeling that they acknowledge it's real for them and it's valid. If I went into the extent of the abuse and trauma I have under went people would be like aw poor Carissa. That isn't why I would chose to tell you, I would tell you because it's why I behave the way I do. For example, my trust issues stem from not being able to trust a guardian when I was younger so I appreciate honesty and to communicate how you are feeling. So when someone I loved recently lied to me, it hurt me and took me back to something I experienced a long time ago. Some people may move on from their past, but with Borderline post traumatic stress is linked and it's hard for us to shut out the painful memories we have. 

Borderlines don't go out of their way to attack people or as some people view us be 'emotionally abusive'. What people misunderstand is the abuser often blames the abused, which is mainly the borderline being the abused one. Everyone's experiences are different and not every single person who has BPD had been abused. BPD episodes are valid as the high sensitivity that comes with us makes it hard to keep the pain down. Anything little or big can trigger an episode. That doesn't mean we are a walking fragile person who can be triggered by anything. Just that the episodes are valid and you have to acknowledge that they aren't put on or we are 'over reacting'. 

We react to painful experiences. The most known feeling we feel is despair. For people who don't understand despair I'll explain it to you. It means the complete loss or absence of hope. Imagine only knowing that feeling for as long as you can remember?
So don't sit there thinking we just attack someone for no reason. If they hurt us, we react. If they love us and acknowledge what we are feeling is valid, we feel safe. It can be easy like that. Also we push away when we feel safe because we think everyone will leave when they see the pain and despair we experience. 

We need people to be more aware when we speak up and say how we are feeling. Even if you can't relate I always ask people to picture themselves being set a light or thinking of the worst pain they have experienced and times it by 100. That is how a BPD person functions when they are triggered. But we do have positives, we get to experience love and happiness at that 100 rate as well. 

Our self harm episodes are valid. Our Suicide ideation and attempts are valid. Please stop brushing them off and ignoring how frequent they are. We do the best we can to live a life where we don't have to constantly wait on edge to be thrown off by something that may make our pain surface. 

Our feelings are real. Not over exaggerated. 

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