Picture: Lord Birthday
I often reflect on my past behaviours a lot as I want to improve on myself. I think everyone can learn and be a bit better in any aspects of their life. If they can't be better I feel they just genuinely sit in their comfort zones going through life at a mediocre level. Which is good for some people. But some people, people who really hurt other people and don't reflect on it or try apologise to them, they are the people who can be the most damaging.
When I was betrayed by the person I trusted the most, was it my illness that made me react in what people viewed as 'abnormal' ways, or would anyone who felt as strongly as I did react that way?
Would I view people who hurt me as 'bad people' because of the black and white thinking patterns in BPD? Or because I know someone knowingly knew my triggers but kept repeating the behaviour anyway that a decent person wouldn't keep doing that or trying to justify that behaviour?
I know there are grey areas and that people have grown up in different environments where they are shown different nature vs nurture. I still struggle with caring about people who really hurt me when I know I probably don't cross their minds and they consider my feelings.
Some behaviours aren't controlled with me. But when I think about it, anyone would of been devastated emotionally if they were shown time and time again by someone they loved that they didn't love them back. Or didn't care about them enough to really want to understand or learn about their illness.
When someone hurts me, my feelings are valid. When someone hits me, my feelings are valid. When I come forward and bring the issue to the table, my feelings were valid. I have never gone out of my way to paint someone badly. But if they continually hurt you and know they are doing it, my reactions to the hurt are valid. Mental illness or not. It would hurt anyone.
I think pain was the forceful feeling driven to why I reacted the way I did. Not my illness.