Tuesday, 4 October 2016

If you loved me you wouldn't do that to me- BPD awareness week entry 4


I remember the time someone said that to me. Someone I really loved and who knew I loved them said I wouldn't take my own life because of the grief I would leave them in. Of course people cross my mind when I have ideations and plans, but when crossing my mind the thoughts aren't about their pain. It's to release them from the burden I feel my illness places on them, to go peacefully so I don't have to wake up and monitor how I behave all the time and release them from the trap I feel my illness places on them. 

People have labeled people stubborn, selfish and manipulative when in a suicidal mind. I blame stigma and being uneducated about the whole seriousness and thought process that happens when someone speaks up and says they don't want to be here.

For one, speaking up and admitting these thoughts are absolutely terrifying. Someone who is severly suicidal tends to keep quiet because these are common reactions from people. 

People don't take a thought seriously. They think these thoughts will pass and that one day they will wake up and want to be here or something will make it okay for a moment. All these things are valid, but some people's thoughts are there in the back of their heads all the time. That's what people need to take into account. Once they acknowledge that it is okay to have these thoughts, that's when people will start feeling okay and speaking about this in a normal conversation. 

We can't go to a party and talk about how we vividly picture ourselves having a whole heap of methods. In the past I have gone on my laptop and googled the method that would be the most painful. Because I do these things people view me as abnormal and crazy when I don't view myself as any of those things. 

We can get therapy, medication and professional help. What people need to understand is they can play their own role as well to help the mentally ill feel safe and supported in society. 

Stop making Suicide about you. Start listening to the people who share this with you and take it into consideration. Even if you don't know what to do ask around and make effort to help them. A small message, hanging out with them, including them in group activities and letting them talk about it is the key thing to a prevention. 

If I do love you I'll tell you about my Suicide ideation. It's not a thought I chose to have.

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