Tuesday, 18 October 2016

I can’t control your behaviour; nor do I want that burden

I reached a point where I stopped wanting to write about you. Given the pain and suffering you know I have endured in my life, I thought maybe you would just take a step back and respect that I needed a lot of time to heal. But you doing that would be recognising the damage you caused the first time you lied. 

I have so many questions racing around in my head. My psych reminded me any human who loved you the way I did would also be feeling the same motions. I just feel pathetic that someone like you could make me feel so much despair. I wouldn't be proud of it. I wouldn't be able to do what you are doing. "Living' your highly happy and care free life, knowing you caused this much pain and anguish towards someone who only wanted the good for you. 

Its funny because people started worrying about you because a few of my close friends who know me and know what I go through had to step in to make sure I survived the past four days. It was nearly a month I was saying to people how I had ceased contact with you and how I didn't feel the need to get closure anymore. What you don't seem to realise is all the self work I went away and did has been stripped because of your selfishness and cowardish behaviour again. 

You aren't the root of all my issues. I have always acknowledged that. But my questions are so normal. Anyone who has dealt with someone of your character knows how I feel. I have had people message me finding comfort that I actually  had the bravery of calling you out on it. I would of only wanted to speak of you highly if we ended in the way I deserved. If I wasn't lead into false hope, this sense of security and this toxic relationship where I was so convinced it was all my fault. I took so much responsibility why you always convinced me of this care and empathy you really do lack. It is clear in the actions you constantly show me. Anger comes to the surface when I know some of your friends are more concerned about your well being even though you created all this drama and toxic mess. I had no desire to know what you were doing or even want answers from you anymore. Just like you have no desire to even care about me or my safety. You never really did as much as you tell everyone you really 'tried'. 

Writing is what keeps me sane. I blank out when I am in social situations from the hurt, I cry randomly then I get angry at myself for crying. I feel like I can never win and I just wanted any feeling attached to you to just go. I let it go and now I feel like all the hard work and progress has just vanished. The emotional pain is so over bearing self injury is the only escape. 

I just want answers. But lucky for me my friend reminded me how I am open to accepting help. I manage to accept and consider help when I know I am ready to leave this world. That is the most powerful thing that is helping me survive this. I wish you would get the help you convinced me you needed too. I wish you were telling the truth when you said you wanted to be better. 

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