Saturday, 8 October 2016

I am worthy


I use to tear up over the slightest compliment someone gave me. I use to also get an uncomfortable feeling when someone would shower me with validation and love. I use to feel that way because I didn't think I deserved it. Growing up I felt like I wasn't allowed all these nice things that people showed me. 

Growing up in the environment I was in will make you feel like that. I was never good enough, worthy enough and my opinions were never seen or heard. I learnt to grow layers around me that helped me cope. So when someone said something was my fault I presumed automatically it was my fault when logically I knew it wasn't. 

Friendships and relationships still confirmed I felt unworthy of it all. I was so good at showering people with love but when the (sometimes rare) moments someone showed me love I would question it. It's taken a lot to train my brain and tell me to accept it rather then push those moments away.

Recently a phone call absolutely destroyed me. Instead of saying 'I didn't deserve that hate and those words exchanged' I took it on board as my fault and that I did deserve that treatement after my illness impacted my ex. This isn't the case now, but for weeks I thought she was so correct with saying what she exchanged that I self mutilated and even planned a Suicide because of the worthlessness I feel. 

The worthlessness stems from my childhood. So it's hard to ignore comments and gestures like that from people I trusted and loved unconditionally. You may love someone unconditionally but that was the very thing I needed to confirm I was correct about this persons intentions and morals. 

I didn't deserve that or any bad treatment I have endured. I am the last person to hurt someone or put someone down. I am the first person to make someone feel loved and important. I show that by the way I am loyal to my friends and how I treat everyone around me. 

The point I try to make is just because people have borderline and they react in extreme ways, it doesn't mean we create every issue in relationships with people. Wether it be family, friends and intimate relationships. 

I am worthy of love and I do like myself. I am kind regardless of the pain I have endured and I think that shows a lot of strength in character. 

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