Thursday, 20 October 2016
I accept your perspective, still doesn't mean I deserved the pain
I was quick to retaliate yesterday. I guess when you are in pain like I am you tend to just attack, attack, attack rather then sit on it and try process it. When I start writing and expressing pain, thats when people view me as 'disgusting' as I say it how it was for me. Personally, the blog I read yesterday had some truth but I do believe it was used to paint a picture perfect person rather then a way to raise awareness and paint BPD in a positive light.
I am not one to lash out for no reason. All my friends that are close to me know that. I am pleasant and easy going when I am in the right environments and when I feel secure in situations. Everyone reacts to hurtful situations differently, just as I have acknowledged a lot of people had to cut me out because they were hurting from my behaviour I still don't think they quite understand. I have been told people think I use BPD as an excuse to do what ever I want and that isnt the case. I only long to function properly and for things not to hurt me so much. Its honestly the only time I felt like I could be myself with someone and I let that person in, my feelings are valid and every professional I have dealt with can understand that point of view.
I agree with majority of the things that were written. I would like to say now I never bribed you into being intimate with me, I do believe both parties involved it was mutual. I also know I am not emotional abusive when I am not constantly being hurt and put on the limb. You did make points you didn't want to be in it but you also made me think differently in that matter. But if that is the truth then that is your truth. All I know is for almost a year and two months you were leading me into something else with your words.
I am grateful for the closeness i had with you when I didn't have anyone else. Im sorry you didn't think it was enough t the time but that is where you still have a lot of more understanding to do and for you to learn more about BPD. All you had to do was learn more but you said yourself it terrified you. A mental illness doesn't need fear it needs support. I thought I had that support and security with you.
I longed to have the conversation we had yesterday nearly every day for 5 months. You are entitled to share that side of you and I think its one of the biggest steps you have ever taken. But what I wont stand for is people saying I 'deserved' this and 'I am not helping anyone' when I have helped more people then you or any of your social group probably have by the open and honest vulnerability of living with BPD. I know you are in pain but it should of stayed between you and I, I never ever thought I would have to express the pain of a relationship via a blog on the internet. You don't have regrets and neither do I.
I loved you and I cared about you. There was nothing else to it for me and I longed for you to validate me that I forgot to validated my own self. We have discussed how you made me feel at times and I hope you have reflected on that.
Your friend said its the 'same old shit' with me yesterday and I still honestly don't understand why your friends still come on here. Its nothing to do with them really and I am entitled to say it how it is, just like Ive respected now you saying it how it was for you.
I know you aren't equipped to deal with my mental illness and I am trying to survive on my own. Something you made me learn and helped me with. When I paint this whole situation and reflect on it, I didnt drive you to betray me and for you to hurt me with your behaviours. That is something you have to work on yourself, just like I have to keep working to be able to live and live happily in a world full of despair. I just wish for once you would acknowledge I don't just hurt myself for the sake of hurting myself.
Who knows what will happen from here but I will continue to work on myself as much as I can. This is something that is with me for life and I hope you can be exposed to BPD in different lights, not just the experience you had with me so you can see the reality of it for what it really is. Out of everyone Ive met you saw the whole of it and I can't apologise for being mentally ill.