Sunday, 23 October 2016

How drugs killed my serotonin & impacted my illness

Image by Bryan Lewis Saunders 

If you asked 17 year old me if I condoned the taking of drugs or if I ever tried any I would shake my head and walk away. Growing up in an environment where it was used regularly around me I saw the impact it had even at a young age. It never crossed my mind to try or did I have any urges to try any drugs. I didn't see what the big escapade was all about. 

As I started to grow older the more I came exposed. I was only even familiar with marijuana as that was used recreationally around me. I was then exposed to more when I started going to festival when I was 18. My first experience where I freaked out was when I attended Never Ever Land with my high school friends. A women beside me was staring at me but she looked empty and she could not stop scratching her whole body. I stood there watching her dig her nails into her skin and I felt sick. I didn't understand why someone would want to do that to themselves. 

Time passed and the more I discovered scenes and partying the more it was passed around. I started to become intrigued when I saw one friend use MDMA regularly. I asked what it does and she said it made you feel really good and calm. I went hoe and did some research on the computer. I saw the positive aspects it had and I was curious to see if it would reduce my anxiety. 

Three years ago I was at a festival. My friends were all in a tent at Southbound and my friend was passing around pills. She shoved one in my mouth and I swallowed it. It tasted horrible, like dirty washing powder taste. The next five hours were a complete blur for me. I remember toward the end of the night I freaked out and had a panic attack on it. I didn't blame anyone. I wanted to try it. I wanted to see what the fuss was all about. 

I continued to self experiment a couple of years. Not frequently. My friends would also question me and remind me of my illness but sometimes I would disregard there concern and do it anyway. Sure, some experiences were great. I did feel 'normal'. I did feel my anxiety lesson. But I have learnt how stupid that all was. It made the anxiety stop for five or so hours. The happiness was momentary. It wasn't making my anxiety or illness go away forever. 

I think it really caught up with me last year. I wasn't a regular user, just dabbled here and there. I was at a party with my ex at the time.I remember arriving feeling super anxious anyway as I never really felt like I could be myself around them. We arrived and drugs were going around as they usually do in Perth. I commend my ex at the time because she was aware how bad my health was at the time but I ignored her 'are you sure' when I said I wanted to do it. That night was made up of hallucinations and lost memory. Flashbacks occurred and the next day I felt like I couldn't talk. I felt nothing. It was one of the most scariest experiences I have ever had. 

I have now learnt that drugs are great. But drugs aren't worth it. They aren't worth the five or what ever hours of a real fucking good time. Happiness should come in other aspects of your life, not for that momentary moment. Drugs, any dosage, does impact your mental health severely. I just had to self experiment to learn the hard way. I can't afford to lose any more serotonin. 

Its impacted my borderline at certain stages of my life. I wasn't able to think clearly as the drugs had heightened my suicide ideations. They also made me feel blank, which is scary considering I feel things so much. It impacted my emotional stability. It disallowed me to try think with logic. I struggle with that enough as it is. The days after I would barely be able to speak and all I wanted to do was be in my room. It would also make me waste time. Time I could of spent outside or doing something productive. 

I think its sad that people have to turn to this for a moment of happiness and for an escape. I would like to find happiness elsewhere. 

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