I have spent the last ten minutes crying over something that happened ages ago. Some random thing popped up and I spent the time before going to bed crying and in a severe amount of pain. I've been thrown a lot of punches lately- my grandma, friend and losing a relationship I held so dear to me. Sometimes things just seem too much. I feel quite alone in the sense that I have been keeping to myself a lot lately. I still have the word Suicide enter my brain. I spend each day trying to find ways to distract me from hurting myself. But is that confronting the issue or making it worse?
It's exhausting functioning in today's generation when you are highly sensitive. Everyone is so sure they have to be tough and show no emotion to get where they want to in life. Fake friendships, toxic relationships, being with someone because it's 'covienient' and they are 'good in bed', sleeping with your ex's friends, cheating, drugs, caring about how someone looks, listening to malicious, brain numbing gossip instead of making your own mind up about someone. Being around that was killing me. It was tearing me apart. No one could just sit down and enjoy conversations and get to know someone. It's either you wanted to fuck them at the end of the day or talk about someone else to them.
I've been told I have 'too many' feelings before. And to be honest, I would rather that then no feelings at all. Where they search for someone's status more then actually search for who they really are. I want to be with someone who has depth, who cares about people (really cares), who treats people with loyalty. I want those people in my life. I don't have time for people who define me by what they hear from a small group of people.
I'm not over sensitive just because I am a decent person who knows how to treat someone. Sure I may come across differently when I am mentally ill but that's what you get in a superficial world. People judge you on what they see, not what they personally know.