Thursday, 13 October 2016

Everything has been figured out, except how to live

I haven't slept a whole lot since I found out the truth yesterday. You know, I was starting to feel better. Life wasn't bad and the pain I was suffering from was being dealt with in a proper manner. My psych was commending me in my session yesterday how well I was doing considering having BPD. I felt proud and I came out of therapy feeling positively happy. 

One of my closest friends told me the truth. None of this pain is on her though, she did the right thing by me and I thank her so much for that. I know you would be pointing fingers at other people and blaming them for your selfishness, as you always do. I know you typically have a conscience, but it is weak. You know what you did was so wrong, sure you may feel some guilt and remorse. But you did it one time and it didn't stop you doing it again. Your lack of empathy amazes me, you have always had the inability to put yourself in my shoes. As soon as I scream suicide you think its some big joke, you have no idea how badly your behaviour impacts me. You knew how much I loved and cared for you. 

For you both to acknowledge that I would hurt myself if I found out the truth, shows me you both knew what you were doing and didn't consider me in the equation at all. I have never gone out of my way to hurt either of you and this is a big deal. One, you saw what this person put me through as I was living with you at the time. And two, you always said I was different to you. 

You will sit there and defend your choice in what you did by saying: 'We don't have each other in our lives' 'Carissa hurt me too'. Nothing justifies this low act you have maliciously done. You knew it would cause me pain and set me back. You knew the damage that would of been caused when you told people not to tell me because you didn't want to have to deal with my 'drama'. 

Your actions have showed me you do not care what happens to me at all. You always, always use to say you cared about me. But you don't. You manipulated me into thinking you did so you could look like some what a decent person. 

Did you have to call emergency last night because I went out of my way to put you in pain? Did your friends have to call you all night because you were so severely suicidal that you had to lock yourself in your room so you didn't throw yourself off the tenth floor? Did you lose your appetite? This has nothing to do with borderline, your constant actions of hurt and spite would hurt anyone who had the capacity to love you the way I love you. 

I am not okay. Once again, because of your selfishness and betrayal. I never ever hurt you like you continually hurt me and you can't even show any ounce of remorse. You push me so far to the brink that I don't want to be here anymore. And its not fair. What you do to me isnt fair and you are so aware of it. 

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