In psychology, the term dissociation describes a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience. The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality, rather than a loss of reality as in psychosis.
Today in my session with my Psychologist I came to terms with why I immediately turn to self harming and suicide attempts when I get hurt. It is due to my dissociation. My dissociation started when I was a child. It was a coping mechanism from all the trauma I constantly had growing up. So when I felt over whelmed and frightened on Friday. The emotional hurt was so intense I lost touch with reality and that is what resulted in the self harm. Thats what I would like people to recognise.
So for people to assume I was hurting myself over some girl is very hard and disrespectful. That triggered me the actions she did. But it was a build up. Something I work through a lot is the pain and trauma of my life. I am very open but only a few people know that private information about my life. Only those are the people I should be reaching out to in this situation. I am now going to practice mindfulness because the dissociation is what is putting me in danger. From shutting out the intensity of the pain.
Please know I don't just hurt myself for the sake of it. This is a real thing and its a trigger in the brain that makes me not present with the moment. Most people can logically sit there and sort it out by learning mindfulness at a young age. Myself, I missed that when I was little and when I was developing.
I shouldn't have to justify why I do react the way I do. I know this could of all been avoided if I had an understanding and considerate ex girlfriend. Bu unfortunately her hurtful behaviours are something I cannot control. What I have to do from here is learn more about my dissociation and understand to feel the emotions in the present moment. Not completely shut them out.