Saturday, 22 October 2016

As real as it gets

The grief was over for me. 5 months down the track I was seeing things for what they were like. I could enjoy going out without having that sick anxious feeling of what you were doing. I could present a smile instead of an unexpressive blank stare. I got my appetite back. I started looking into going on trips and what places in the world need more educating with Borderline and Suicide. I even looked to going to third world countries to talk to them about the good in speaking about how you are feeling and speaking out about suicide ideation. I was doing things for me, a thing that you told me I should start doing a long time ago. 

My BPD traits were there but any person in my situation would react the way I did when I was so devoted to you. The intense jealously you speak of- it wasn't jealously. It was insecurity. This day and age when you still had tinder and flaunted that in my face was enough to trigger something in me that made me feel like I wasn't good enough for you. Especially when you are forming a connection with someone its quite unpleasant for someone to boast about how this guy has asked you to dinner while you sit there wondering why your attention and admiration wasn't good enough. 

I think I started to be concerned the most when this boys name was placed in the picture that I had no idea who he was. I then begun to learn about the basis of the connection you had with him. I had no understanding of it nor did I really want to be a part of it. Your reassurance was enough to make me believe that there wasn't really anyone else in the equation and that you couldn't be with me because I was 'too good' for you. You are quick to forget all the words that were tossed about when you would show me something else to justify keeping me there and not letting me move on. I know general confusion and the scariness of it all, I always understood that. 

I have always apologised profoundly for my borderline. I felt at one stage anything I did when I was mentally ill you viewed as a big grab for your attention, for you to not leave me. You always convinced me you weren't going anywhere and I like for once how you finally admitted to me that you fed me lies. That you cleaned it up with the truth later. I accept that is because you were out of your depth. That makes me question time and time again what I ever meant to you. 

As soon as I did something that was viewed as 'wrong', your friends jumped down my throat. You speak of how people have messaged you and 'attacked' you. I don't see telling you the truth of your actions as an attack. I see it as friends desperately wanting you to come together to help me and acknowledge the mental illness for what it is. You have never really done that. I think you are slowly starting to get there. But for those parts I shared with you are parts I felt my most vulnerable. Not something I thought you would use against me. Not something I thought you were discriminate against and totally disregard. 

I understand the exhaustion you were feeling. When all you wanted to do was sink into your bed and cry from it all. How frustrating I am. How repetitive my suicide 'threats' were. I understand that all too well as I am the one who was feeling it all. I do cut as a release of pain you knew I carried before you. But what you failed to do by me is want to be that person to help me. You didn't want to be, you felt like you had to be. There is a very big difference. 

I liked you no matter what flaw you were displaying to me. When I could see you struggling, which by the way being highly emotionally intelligent I could see how you were feeling before you could even recognise it; when I could see that all I wanted to do was communicate through it and work it out. Each time I tried to talk about feelings you did not want a bar of it and you would shut down. I don't think I am at fault for being able to express how I feel. 

The more I became sick the more hard hits I got from your friends. Telling me to fuck off, that I am disgusting, that I want attention. Too many painful memories I have blocked out because if I feel it that is when the self harm and voices come in. Thats when the voices start telling me that its all my fault and that I deserve this treatment all because I thought someone wanted to be with me too. You may claim that you didn't want to, but that is not what you were telling me for a very long time that we spent together. 

I know some things I did hurt you. This was after you started to disrespect me. Did I want to behave like I did? Believe me, it took all I had not to react to you. Not to cry when I found out you lied to me, not to want to end the pain because I had for once finally thought I found someone who understood me. Who told me that they understood me. What you failed to do was validate how I was feeling. To talk to me about it. Thats when the endless calls and social media came into it. That is when the 'harassment' started. All because you made a promise you yet again didn't live up to. One you convinced me time and time again you could. That the intentions were pure. That you really did care. That you knew it was an illness I couldn't control. 

As soon as I hear you cry my heart sinks. Because I have empathy and I hate hearing you hurt. My first reaction is worry- I worry because I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Even though for so long you've viewed this as an outlet to put you down and make you feel bad. Do you know why I write about you? To educate you. To make you more aware if you do come across someone else with BPD because there are a thousand more people who have it. Its normal, believe it or not. It was normal to react to the pain that came with being in love with someone who has clearly shown me the feelings weren't reciprocated. 

Its been five months and my god you have no idea how many tears, tantrums, self harming episodes, attempts, failed attempts, therapy, friends, parents and hospitals I have been through just to recover from being in what ever it was I was in with you. I thought of you as my best friend, someone who I really connected with. We went through so much together but in reality I went through it all by myself as you would abandon me each time I needed you the most. Where the simple solutions lied but you would be too busy with friends or weren't equipped to deal with me. 

You are entitled to your opinion. How ever I one day hope you can acknowledge my illness for what it is. Not for what your friends think it is or what google feeds you. The illness that I feel. Thank you for letting me learn the biggest lesson which is surviving on my own. Its been quite handy dealing with what has been thrown at me recently.