Monday, 26 September 2016

The Emotional Turmoil Your Actions Left Me In

Picture: Tumblr

I use to be worried about what I wrote public due to caring about being attacked and put down when all I wanted was to get a message across. There were some things I really wish I sat on and wrote after I had calmed down or 'snapped' out of what I was feeling. I wrote a lot when I was angry and upset at the actions and events that happened when I was with and separate from my old girlfriend. I have no issue or fear saying it how it is now as I have had to go back to therapy to keep myself together after being betrayed by someone I loved and who didn't love me back. 

Words were used to keep me there and blame was shifted when I would confront someone about their actions and why they were being repeated when I expressed the amount of pain they were putting me in. This person stood by and watched me slowly lose myself to the agony and despair she placed on me and did nothing about it to help me. When she saw it was deteriorating my health she would then come and try help, but the help was hounded and I spent most of my days trying to get my head around why she put me in this position when all I did was ask for a normal and functioning relationship. 

The lack of compassion and empathy wasn't always missing, she did display those two attributes sometimes but there was no consistency. I got more compassion and empathy from people off the streets who saw me burst out crying or saw the state I was in. I also acknowledge some of my behaviours were hurtful and I know some things I wish I could of controlled at the time. I was only ever lashing out when the actions she displayed towards me didn't match up with the words. 

I chose to speak publicly about the pain I was put through as it was so intense I didn't know how to handle it at the time. I was doing everything to push it aside as it was only one human being. I kept busy, some days I wouldn't be able to get out of bed, but I tried to maintain my normal routine but I think this is what pushed me to breaking point. This person was so aware of the abuse and trauma I had been through but still chose to play on my vulnerability and bring out my biggest insecurity, even if it wasn't her intentions. I do believe after all the same behaviours its hard to view it as any other way. I was warned by her that she would hurt me from the start and that was the only thing she was right about. 

Having a mental illness is challenging enough. I think I did all I could to show this person that I loved her for her and I still loved her through all the issues and challenges I am sure she faced. I did see her perspective in the end that she couldn't handle my illness and she didn't have the emotional intelligence to understand/empathise with my illness. She made me think my ideation was stubborn, that I was presenting this fake persona to people and I was hiding behind my illness. I don't 'play' on my illness, it is that crippling to the point some days I can't function. I have people who know this and its exhausting trying to justify something to someone when they just don't understand the dangers or impact their behaviour had on me. 

I have made my own closure on the situation. It use to bother me knowing she still spoke to my friends and she even hangs with the guy she betrayed my trust on. I now realise when someone makes you feel that small and has never given you a proper apology that for your own sake its best that they aren't in your life. I have love, acceptance and care around me to get me through this and I have people understand my suicide ideation isn't manipulation. I just spent too much energy trying to get her and her friends to see that when they refuse to see it any other way. 

Borderline is difficult and complex and it isn't black and white thinking. I understand how complicated people are and I think I understood why she did what she did to me. But in saying that, it still doesn't hurt any less. I want people with Borderline to know you aren't always at fault and its not your fault for people who keep hurting you over and over again. I need to say it as it is because I know there are people out there afraid to speak up about the difficulties of relationships and how incredibly devastating it can be losing someone you loved. I know I am doing the right things to move forward and self improve from all the hurt that happened within the last year. Some days the thought of what happened makes me feel sick and want to hurt myself, but knowing those signs and being self aware I take steps to avoid it. If becoming ill off heartbreak is something people view as wrong then I can settle for that, because I know all I did was love and care about the wrong person. 

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