Monday, 26 September 2016

Please Understand My Hospital Admissions Isnt To Get Attention

Here is a picture of me and my dear friend Ellie. Ellie took this last year when I was admitted after a psychosis at my house. This was one of the countless hospital admissions I have had over the space of 10 years. I have been mocked for being admitted in hospital, put down, laughed at, belittled, called attention seeking and the list goes on. All because people around me could not see the emotional pain and trauma I have experienced every day of my life.

What gets me through is knowing I have a friend like Ellie and everyone else around me who understands the seriousness, the exhaustion and the frustrations of spending a lot of my time in ED. Some stays are for a few days, others are only 72 hours as the stigma around BPD and hospital admissions are very high.

I go to hospital not for people to feel sorry for me, to guilt people or to get them to give me attention and validation. I go to hospital and people take me to hospital because my suicide ideation becomes so increasingly overwhelming and intense that if we don't take these steps, an episode could end up in a suicide or self harm.

Words have stuck with me before. I have had uneducated and malicious people go out of their way and have viewed my admission as a way to gain someones attention. Please know if I had it any other way, I would stay at home if I felt safe there. The pain and emotions are so over whelming that I go to hospital to save my life at the time and I think people need to be more aware and accountable on that behalf.

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