Saturday, 24 September 2016

Numbing Stage Of BPD

I had my first hospital admission Thursday night. I have been quite stable in Melbourne until the loss of my Gran, my close friend and intense therapy I am having at the moment. I was so over whelmed I couldn't even function at work. I called my friends and I made the executive choice to take myself to ED as I was having ideation. I was planning to go home to self harm or swallow sleeping pills I had at home.

With therapy, I didn't realise how many painful memories I had shovelled down. My psych explained to me I have every right to be feeling the amount of pain I am feeling and I had every right to be hurt by people's actions. She said I was trying to numb out my pain instead of feeling it, but I also said I am scared to feel it because it gets so intense that I feel like I will end up being high risk. She said I just had to remember my coping skills when it comes to that and to make sure I tell people around me what is going on. Some people know what to do and others don't understand because their emotions aren't as intense as mine.

I think being in love it was normal for me to react to the pain my ex placed on me. She used every excuse to why she did what she did and she tried to justify it. She convinced me I was an emotionally abusive person when in reality I am not, I was merely reacting to the pain of her actions. I also have to retrain my brain to accept that I wont get an apology, explanation or closure my mind longs after.

I think its a sign I am mentally unwell when I begin to feel so over whelmed I numb out. I know I did the right steps the other night. I have to work on being impulsive in those situations and not seek answers from my ex as my pain started before her, she just added on to it by choosing not to be a decent person when it comes to me. She had a choice, what she doesn't understand I don't have a choice when it comes to a psychosis and this illness. I work very hard to be a better person and to move forward, a lot more then she ever did when she created this situation for both of us.

Warning signs of numbing out is being distant, dissociation and isolation.

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