I have had two sessions with my therapist Estelle and we clicked straight away. She is attentive, challenges my thinking process and makes me take a step back to try regulate my emotions. I have had a real rough few weeks but I am proud to say I haven't acted on my ideation or even self harmed. If it was a few months ago I think I would of self harmed/mutilated at least once a day.
She reminds me that what I am feeling is normal and is understandable given what I have been through. She said I have to remind myself that what happened was wrong and it wasn't my fault and that I am still here. She views my feelings as real and valid and that is what I needed the most when I was trying so hard not to take my own life.
We are working through my attachment issues and abandonment issues which is good. I think we will focus on my break up for a couple of months and I would like to eventually dive into my family issues. I know thats something I have numbed out since I was younger but I can see potential of her really helping, her empathy is refreshing.
Its okay for me to still care about what I had with my previous girlfriend. Estelle reminds me I went through three stages of trust, love and hurt. She also reminded me not everything is black and white and there is a lot of emotions and care still in the midst of it all and its best for me to concentrate on myself. She said what happened a few weeks ago was very wrong and inhumane but that is the ex's issue if she hates me that much. I know I didn't do anything to deserve the hate or words that were said.
I am feeling quite positive about that sessions. I lost my friend last week so I have felt very numb towards that. I let myself feel it the first two days by telling people I wasn't okay and getting it out of my system. I am looking forward to going back home and I know just to call someone when I feel like I am going to hurt myself.